12 posts tagged relationships
Actual Chat Session Between Nick & Sara LeeAnn, June 15, 2012.
Nick! I’m watching Burlesque and listening to Cher sing like a man. I miss you.
Dude. Tell me you don’t get chills when you listen to “You Haven’t Seen The Last of Me.”
No, dude. I do not get chills. I get up and go pee. And make a drink. Sorry.
Duuuuuuuuuuude. That’s the best fucking song!
Baby, you’re crazy. But I love you. You’re the Sonny to my Cher.
Ahahaha! Fuck that. Sonny was a bitch.
Thanks for understanding the sentiment, asshole.
Haha. I do but I hate Sonny. He was always trying to steal her spotlight.
Whatever. I was trying to be sweet.
Actually that could really sum us up. And I know you were. I love you, though.
I’m ignoring you. You have shit taste in music and you’re mean. Goodnight.
No. I’m just fucking with you for the Sonny/Cher thing.
Isn’t emotional manipulation fun?
It really is!
We are sociopaths. You, me and Patrick Bateman.
Sara LeeAnn Banevedes
Nope. Patrick Bateman. American Psycho. Read a little, ya know?
Christian Bale was in American Psycho.
Omg. He played Patrick Bateman, dummy.
Don’t name-call. Fucker. So, I was watching some dumb sitcom with my sis that mentioned guys crymaxing during or after sex. Have you ever cryxmaxed before?
The fuck is that?
I just told you. When you cry during or after climax. Like a goddamned girl.
Ahaha nooooo. It’s happened to me with a girl before though.
I swear to Jesus if a guy did that with me I would get right up and leave. Even faster than I usually do, I mean.
You wouldn’t get engaged to him first?
Only if he had health insurance, you smug sonofabitch. And, why did your girl start crying? Because the sex was so disappointing?
I’m not judging. I think you’re an innovator. And the sex was awesome. But she was Mormon.
Oh. Well. That explains it. I’ve cried before. I cry when I’m really frustrated because it keeps me from punching someone in the junk.
I know you do. You’ve cried during sex?
I know you know I do. And hell no, I’ve never cried during! I’m busy taking care of business!
Ahahaha! Touching yourself cause he’s not good enough?
Yep, usually. All these men walking around looking, acting marginally normal… deathly afraid of touching a woman’s vagina. So I’ll do it my damned self, thank you very much. Would hate to impose upon the lucky bastard having sex with me to, I don’t know, actually TOUCH me!
Am I wrong?
Haha. No, we’re on the same wavelength.
Wait. Back up. You’re Mormon cried DURING sex with you? What did you do to her?
How was I supposed to know I can’t punch her in the face as soon as I orgasm?
Common misconception. Could happen to anyone. What is with violence in the bedroom? I am all for some good ass-smacking and hair-pulling, but - there are some freaky guys out there. Choking, slapping in the face…?
I’ve never understood it. One time, a girl kicked my ass. Bites, scratches, I think she actually donkey punched me. Don’t ask how.
Um. I’m going to regret this, I know, but. What, pray tell, is a donkey punch?
It’s when you’re having anal sex, and as soon as you ejaculate, you punch the person in the back of the head.
You just made that up right now.
What. The Fuck. ? Ohhhh noooo. I so regret asking. I’m going to have nightmares!
One time I tried to hold a girl up during sex but I dropped her. So I just left.
Nooooo you did not. That’s mortifying! No guy has even tried to hold me up during sex since I was in my early twenties. That makes me frustrated and want to cry. And maybe drown myself a little.
The dudes you pick are always puny. Pick a beefy one next time.
I’m not even that heavy. I’m really confused. If you were having anal sex, and her anus is behind her, you’d punch HER in HER head after ejaculating. Unless. Nick. How did she punch you in the back of YOUR head?!!
Ew! Was she wearing a strap-on? What was she using?! Dude!
I said don’t ask.
I’m really not going to sleep tonight now. I hate you for the donkey punch thing. I’m very sensitive.
Changing the subject. Member when I took you to the naked dude show, and the one non-gay naked dude hit on you?
Yes, I do. And that was so contrary to the norm for me, considering gay men seem really into my no boobs and boy hair and want me for their plaything. Alas. My vagina ruins everything. Every time.
You sound like a Greek tragedy.
Well, men hate my vagina and no one will hold me up during sex!
A really whiny Greek tragedy.
I know, I do, I so totally do. I’m going to bed. To have nightmares about your sex life.
Enjoy. I do.
Actual Chat Session Between Nick & Sara LeeAnn, April 30, 2012.
I like how men comment on your Facebook status updates like they’re marking their territory.
You shut up.
Ugh. Remember when *JC used to have to comment on allllllllllll my posts, no matter how insignificant, insisting on calling me “my love” and “darling,” and otherwise making a spectacle of himself? Why are men always wanting to pee on me?
Yeah… Bwahaha! I remember. And, actually, I have always wanted to try that once.
Peeing on me? I swear to god, if you ever try to do that, I will brand your face with a waffle iron.
Not you, specifically. But I’ve heard about it and always been curious. That’s not weird right?
Oh. Then, carry on. Yes, it’s fucking weird. But, men are weird.
I want to blog about this. Or maybe I’ll just post our chat session. Unless you mind people knowing you want to pee on women.
Go for it. It could be a fun test to see if women will still sleep with me knowing that I may or may not pee on them while they are or are not asleep
I’m really creepy sometimes.
If by, “creepy,” you actually mean, “deranged,” then yeah, okay. But, don’t fret. There are women (like myself) who enjoy “deranged.”
So…you’re saying I can pee on you?
Fuck right off. It’s a control thing, right? Why men want to pee on me – figuratively and literally?
Yep. Sure is.
My girlfriend, *Rebekah, had this creep ass boyfriend who pretended to want to have shower sex with her JUST so he could pee on her. I mean, it would be one thing if he then fucked her properly, but… Nope. Just peed and then was like, “nevermind.”
Bwaaha. Your friend *Rebekah is still alive, right?
I’m just saying, boys that only want to pee on girls are boys who usually cut up said girls and put them in the freezer.
Yeah. Well, she dumped him after a few hundred times of being peed on. (Peed upon? Hmmm.) I guess she located her self-respect - and her daddy’s credit card, if I remember correctly. She peed on his toothbrush before she left, though.
The problem is, he probably peed on his own before that.
I just threw up in my mouth a little.
People do weird shit, Sara. This is America
This is ‘Merica goddamn it! We pee on our women and then jerk off to Japanese cartoons! You have to say that with a redneck accent or it’s not funny. Also, you have to be drinking Keystone. Which, coincidentally, tastes like pee.
The only time I ever shotgunned a beer, it was keystone. I immediately hated every college frat party I had ever been to. Which was zero. But the message is the same.
F*ck frat boys. And not in the good way.
They probably pee on each other during beta-ki-alpha pledge week.
Guaranteed. So, is that about the point you noticed your initial stirrings of wanting to pee on women, then?
It may be. Henceforth, we can now trace the origins of men wanting to pee on women to college, whenst they were all shotgunning keystones and peeing on each other. We just solved one of life’s mysteries. We’re the tits.
Yeah we are. I’m mentally high-fiving you whilst simultaneously peeing on you. It’s very manly.
Ewwwwwwww. Girls CANNOT pee on boys. What a fucking weirdo.
Well, that’s hardly fair.
Mmmn hmmm. That’s exactly my point. Or would be, had I a point. There is a real double standard here.
Welcome to ‘Merica!
You guys mark your territory by cumming on our faces and peeing on us, and all we get to do is buy you ugly ties and “accidentally” use the wrong guard on the hair clippers. No fair. That’s it. I’m moving to Delhi, India.
Who the fuck gives their boyfriends bad haircuts? First of all, most guys don’t care about their hair. You’re the ones who have to be seen with us.
I know some women personally who have done that just so other women know their guy is taken. No joke.
And we’re the weird ones?
No, you’re the gross ones.
If you see a guy with an uneven haircut and a butt ugly shirt, 9 times out of 10 he’s married - wedding ring or not.
If you see a girl with her hair sticking up, she’s taken as well
I have to pee.
You always have to pee. Because you have the prostate cancer.
Only when I drink!!!
I’m pretty sure you have the prostate cancer when you’re not drinking, too. Wait. Are you drinking right now? It’s 12:49 in the afternoon, dude. And I’m not judging, I’m jealous.
It’s been a long day.
Sorry, baby. I wish you had a laptop so we could sit and drink and work together. Then, you wouldn’t be an actual alcoholic.
The best artists are alcoholics. Hemmingway, Poe, etc…
Bukowski. Yeah. They’re dead. Just… you know, sayin.
Duh. They lived a hundred years ago.
Did any of them die of the prostate cancer? You should Google that.
People pee, Sara!!!
This is ‘Merica.
So I’m sitting there eating my dry eggs, tasteless biscuits, and floppy bacon listening to her tell me the latest updates on her ‘relationship’ with this guy, we’ll call him ‘Tattool.’ I’m focusing on my shitty food and trying to maintain eye contact (she was wearing a tight tank top and her nipples are pierced. It was hard to focus on her eyes).
Everything she’s telling me, I’ve heard before. She had this really, really great setup with Tattool, whereby they weren’t dating but were sleeping together. It was just like, really, really perfect. They’re friends with benefits. They call each other when they’re bored/lonely/horny and don’t really see each other otherwise. She comes over at night, when he’s done at the bar (and, presumably, couldn’t find anyone better. Which makes sense, cause there IS no one better than her), they have sex, and then fall asleep together. There was no drama, no expectations, no jealousy, nothing. Until there was.
You see, Friends with Benefits doesn’t work. Ever. Somebody always falls for the other one, and then gets hurt in the process. This is what happened to the girl. She started to like him. Of course, it didn’t help that they agreed to be “exclusive.” Which, I guess, means that they would only sleep with each other. Basically, this guy is a genius. He talked her into only sleeping with him, but still didn’t have to buy her dinner, take her out, actually make her feel like, ya know, an actual person with actual feelings. He actually told her, and I quote, “it wouldn’t be good to be seen in public with you.” Tattool is a lot smarter than I originally thought.
So she starts to like him. Because she’s a girl. And girls are dumb. We were sitting there talking about this, I was giving her my hollow, cliché-addled advice that she won’t take, she was pretending to listen, and I came to some very helpful conclusions for you, hypothetical female reader. So, here it is. A love letter from me, a man, to you, a woman.
You are not special. Don’t ever think that. You’re not different than the other girls that we, the men, have been seeing. You’re not going to be the one that “changes us.” You don’t “get us.” We’re not Gerard Butler(unfortunately) and you’re not Katherine Heigl. You can’t “see into us.” You, princess, are, for lack of better term, a piece of ass. You’re someone we call when we’re bored/lonely/horny. This is not a relationship, you are not our girlfriend, and you are not special.
But, we’ll tell you that you are, because we know that’s what you want to hear. And we’re good at telling you what you want to hear. And you’ll continue to fall for it because for some strange reason, you still think that you’re somebody who deserves somebody else who will make you feel like the most important person in the world- who will tell you that you’re beautiful, and actually mean it- who wants nothing more than to love you with everything inside of them. Why do you still think this? Haven’t we, collectively, worked for years trying to make you feel like the opposite?
Also, don’t kid yourself, kid. You’re not going to be the one that we end up with. Get the visions of the wedding, the honeymoon, the kids, and the happily-ever-after out of your head. They are visions of grandeur and you’re either naïve or stupid if you think we’re even close to that kind of story. You’re lucky if we take you to Applebees for half-priced boneless wings. We’ll have been drinking before.
You see, something happened to us that embittered us on the idea of an actual “relationship.” Whether it was because of our parents, our friends, or even our own previous relationships, we don’t like them, don’t trust them, don’t want them. Yes, it’s stupid. Yes, it’s a defense mechanism. Yes it’s a way to justify sleeping with you without actually having to date you. Because we “don’t trust relationships,” we’re a tortured soul, instead of just an asshole. But whatever, you’re dumb enough to buy into it because, for some reason, you like being around us. And, as previously mentioned, you think you can change us. You can’t.
If we ever do end up with someone, it’s not going to be you. You see, we already had you. The moment you have sex with us is the moment we lose at least half our interest in you. That’s the risk you take when you sleep with us. Yes, we’ll still keep you around. But don’t kid yourself. It’s not because we actually care about you or even really value you. It’s because you’re good at sex, and it’s easier to text you at 2:00 in the morning than to try to pick up someone else. It’s cheaper too.
Don’t get us wrong, we don’t want you to stop having sex with us. You may be thinking to yourself that maybe it would be a good idea to not sleep with us on the first second third date. You may even be ideally wondering what it would be like to be in a relationship that ISN’T based on sex. You may, and God we hope not, be thinking that maybe the best kind of sex you could ever have is sex with the one person who you know you love and who you know loves you. This is the kind of sex that actually means something, that isn’t ‘fucking’ but, gasp, is actually making love. This is the kind of sex that you could have on your wedding night with your onetruelove. This is the kind of sex that you hear about in love songs and see in the movies and at one point, maybe when you were younger, thought actually existed. It doesn’t.
Count how many times we said love in that last paragraph. That’s what you want, and we know that. It’s what you think you deserve, and we know that too. This is why we will continue to exploit that dream, that vision, that childhood fairytale, to get exactly what we want from you. We want sex, we want an ego-boost, we want to make sure that we’re the ones who are in control of this ‘relationship,’ or lackthereof. You see, we’re just as insecure as you are, if not more. So it helps when we have someone like you to manipulate and control, because then it means that we don’t have to face the fact that we’re lonely, and scared, and want so much to believe in love, too. You do serve many purposes baby, be proud!
In closing, we will continue to make you false promises, tell you pretty things, look you in your eyes, and caress your thigh at just the right moment. You’ll continue to wait for our call, our text, our invitation. And you’ll continue to enjoy it because instead of actually realizing the value of yourself and finding someone who’s sole purpose is to love you with every fiber of his being, you’ll get to continue to be our booty call. Instead of having that perfect first kiss, with hands sweating and hearts beating, that kiss that you could only dream about when you were a little girl because you didn’t think kisses like that actually happened, that kiss that reminds you that there is a God and He wants you to feel a love so strong and so powerful that it radiates off of you and moves through you from your head to your toes- instead of having that first kiss, you’ll get to continue to fuck us. Instead of falling asleep with him, you’ll get to wake up to us.
The Men Who Don’t Deserve You
We wanted to hear from you. We wanted your experiences, your anecdotes, your questions, and your advice. Thanks for your e-mail, and for finding us on Facebook.
Here were your questions! And, let us remind you… you fucking asked for it.
Troy Murray Why do young teens insist they know love?
Sara LeeAnnBanevedes Um. Because they’re stupid idiots? Obviously, teenagers are functionally retarded, so I’m not wasting my time with that question. I think we’re all stupid-idiot-retards when it comes to love because we can justify anything in order to not be alone. We mistake being alone with loneliness. We don’t get that nothing will ever make us so lonely in our whole lives as an empty “love you” and chicken peck on the cheek before the door slams. Or feet not touching under the covers. Or the thick, stale silence born of the realization the person next to you holding the remote control is only there fighting loneliness, too.
Nick Perkins Because MTV told them they do, via shows like Teen Mom, 16 and Pregnant, Teen Mom 2, Season 2 of 16 and Pregnant, etc. The most annoying thing I ever hear is when teenagers say that even though they’re young, they know what love is. Wrong. They know what sneaking out to see their “boyfriend” is. They know going to the mall. They know sex, the act, but they don’t know sex, the meaning. And that’s why we’re all gonna die.
Sara LeeAnnBanevedes And going to burn in hell.
CaleighBurgen Why do teens have the urge to have a realationship so young?
Sara LeeAnnBanevedes Sex. A relationship means they’re grown ups and grown ups have sex. Yay, sex!
Nick Perkins Teenagers are insistent lately that they’re “more mature.” For some reason or another, like Sara said, kiddos wanna be grownups. They don’t wanna be kids anymore. They don’t wanna do kid things anymore. They don’t wanna go play in a park, or go for a walk, or play with their pro wrestling action figures. They wanna smoke, they wanna drink, and yes, they wanna have sex. And then tweet about it.
Sara LeeAnnBanevedes I want to have sex at the park. But not with pro wrestling action figures.
Brian And Jessica Brehe I would ask why people have to ask these question in the first place? If you are too stupid to figure out that if he hasn’t called you in three weeks and he slept with your fat friend, it means he’s probably not ” the one,” you shouldn’t be in the dating scene in the first place.
Sara LeeAnnBanevedes What if he slept with your skinny friend? Could he still be “the one”? Oh. Wait. Sorry. I’m supposed to be answering questions, not asking them. Asking questions is stupid.
Nick Perkins He’s just not that into you if he’s banging your fat friend. This is true. Clearly that question came from the mecca couple who have it all figured out and don’t need to know anything. J You guys should be the ones doing this! Legit, you’re probably in way more stable of a relationship than we’ve ever been in….Hey, want a job?
Beth Adams Why is it that in this century we still look down on women who sleep around a lot but men get idolized for being” manwhores”????
Sara LeeAnnBanevedes First, I love the word manwhore. Second, the only time I’ve ever been looked down on for sleeping around is when I was underneath someone, naked, so I may not be the best person to answer this. I defer to Nick.
Nick Perkins Wake up sister! That century is over. At least, it has been since you graduated high school. The days of Hester Prynne and The Scarlett Letter are over. Let your freak flag fly! Just be aware of the consequences (what others think of you should be the last consequence you think about, PS). If you’re prepared for what comes with having rando, anonymous sex with strangers (IE. diseases, babies, hurt feelings when he doesn’t text you back, etc) then have it! It’s nobody’s business but your own, doll.
Audrey Griffitts Love is such a complicated matter and nobody truely understands it. The pursuit of happiness is not only human nature but human right. Why do adults try to control something that is impulsive in all humans? We strive for happiness and to feel loved everyone of us the young and the old we all want and need it. It is human nature to search for something to make us feel whole, but the purity of love and sex is being exploited and destroyed. We as a society are exposing our youth to the ideas of it younger and younger and yet we expect them not to search for it as well. Why do we do this?
Sara LeeAnnBanevedes It is complicated. You’re so right, Audrey. I think adults try to stop the younger generation from pursuing love because we are mean and embittered and competitive. I particularly want to stop them from searching for love with their genitals, because I can’t have sex with younger men if teenagers are competing with me. Who is going to choose my 32-year old boobs over that girl’s 18-year old boobs?
Nick Perkins I would. Usually.
Sara LeeAnnBanevedes Thank god (or whomever) for that, babe.
Erin Brock Why do ppl stay in unhappy relationships?
Sara LeeAnnBanevedes In my experience, Erin, it’s because apartment living sucks. Your upstairs neighbor always sounds like an elephant, and the ones next door are constantly arguing and having the cops called. (In fact, most times it’s you who call the cops.) You would move out, but you’re only other option is to rent a house in a nicer part of town with a roommate. A roommate who will bring her stupid pot-head boyfriend over to have noisy sex and eat all your Doritos. Not cool. So, you figure, if you need someone to help you pay the rent, it may as well be a guy you can have noisy sex with. Seems like a good idea at the time. Soon, though, he is eating all your Doritos and you’d rather have sex with someone else; but, you’re trapped in a damned 1-year lease, so you’re trapped in an unhappy relationship. Again.
Right?Anybody else? No. It’s just me. I knew it.
Nick Perkins People are convinced that if they just wait it out, maybe (s)he’ll change. Maybe just maybe, if I love him enough, or am pretty enough, or rich enough, or a good enough cook, or give really, really good blowjobs, he’ll suddenly change his mind and treat me the way I deserve to be treated. Chances are, honey, he won’t. Neither will she. I was 22 years old when my girlfriend of four years and I decided to break up. And the biggest thought that we both had was, “we’re both too young to be so unhappy.” So we ended it. We went down different paths and became the people we were supposed to become, and we did it by ourselves. It’s a scary thought to be alone, especially as you get older. I’m 24 now and haven’t really dated anyone since the girlfriend of two years prior. Of course I would want to be with someone, but I’m more concerned about making myself the man that the girl I want to be with actually deserves. You can’t trick someone into continuing to love you. They either do, or they don’t, and if they don’t GET THE EFF out because there is someone out there who will love you for you, not for who they want you to be.
Brittany BezzantMatekovic Why do people keep going back to someone who os such a crappy person, for them as well as society. Yet expect different out comes
Sara LeeAnnBanevedes Hope. We hope others can change, because it means we ourselves are capable of change. That sounds so philosophical. I’m super-smart. I might embroider that onto a hand-towel. Ok, not really. The answer is stupid hope. We stupidly hope that we can change others with our stupid hope.
Nick Perkins The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. So basically, we’re all insane. Because we all do this. Like the above post said, we’re all convinced we’re able to change someone. Wrong. Who we can change, is ourselves. All it takes is a look in the mirror, a chin to proudly hold up, and an attitude that says “I’m the best, you’re not better’n me, and f*ck em if they think they are.” And vodka. Lots of vodka.
Christopher Bragg Why does love hurt so must I came to chicago for a week and I seen my ex and I still love her with all I got all I want to do when I c her is to hold her in my arm and never let her go in till I die bc I still love her man I dont know wat to do can someone help me piz add me on fbpiz help me
Sara LeeAnnBanevedes Holy run-on sentence! Christopher, if you need to talk, personal message Nick or I anytime. We might not be able to give you any good advice, but we’re awesome at giving bad advice and making people laugh.
Nick Perkins Holy shit. Um. First step, take a deep breath. Second step, take a Valium. Third step, like a better baseball team. Fourth step, realize that you are a good guy, with a bright future, and a lot to offer a woman (grammar skills aside). Maybe it’s her, and maybe it isn’t. But pining after her is not the answer. Know who you are, become who you want to be. Figure out what you want, and act accordingly. Is it her? Or is it just ‘someone?’ Is it maybe better to take some time and figure out who YOU are? These are questions worth asking. Also, I’m not sure if telling her that you’re ‘not going to let her go until you die” is a wise phrase to use, friend.
Sara LeeAnnBanevedes I was going to say Zanax, but I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. You’re a dick, Nick. A dick that gives really good advice, though. High-five. Chris. Can I call you Chris? (Please don’t stalk me.) You’re a nicer guy than Nick. Be encouraged.
Justine Howe What happened to old fashioned chiverly? Why are men and women so quick to jump in the bed? Where has courting gone to? Love is a verb, an active choice to love someone and be willing to work at keeping that love alive!
Sara LeeAnnBanevedes It’s dead. Dead, dead, dead. And I’m in mourning. One of the stages of grief is drinking vodka, right???
Nick Perkins First of all, chivalry. Men and women are quick to jump in the bed because we live in a very “go-go-go” kind of world. Whether it’s from job to job, or relationship to relationship, we all seemingly have the attention span of a 5-year-old with ADD. Plus, alcohol makes everyone more attractive, thus, more likely to bang. I didn’t say it was right, that’s just the way it is. I miss the days of courting too. Of a kiss being the destination, not a five minute sex session in which she faked an orgasm to get you to stop poking around whilst saying “yea ,baby. You like that?” I’ve said it before, I miss the power of a kiss. I miss holding hands and walking through a park. We, as a culture, especially the younger generation, never “forgot” what love is. We never knew to begin with. Our parents f*cked it up for us, and so all we really have to go by is movies and books, which will let us down, and television, which will teach us all the wrong things to do. This is why relationships fail. We look to these things to provide guidance, but they are written with the intent of showcasing drama. That’s the intention. So if we’re using these mediums as templates for how to have a relationship, we’re going to have drama. The problem is, we don’t have a writer who is paid a million dollars per episode to script our happy ending.
To contribute to these riveting, long-winded dialogues, or to ask Nick and Sara a question, e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org and/or email@example.com. Spank you very much!
(Actual Text Conversation)
Him: “Want to know a secret?”
Him: “You sure?”
Me: (thinking it’s a picture of his 11-inch penis) “I’m sure. Particularly if it involves a unicorn or vodka or cake or me winning an obscene sum of money from a dead relative I don’t like.”
Him: “Haha. Well. I have a hairy back. It’s out of control!”
Me: “I… can’t tell if you’re kidding or not.”
Him: “Does it matter?”
Me: “Are you f*cking kidding me?”
“Why does it matter?”
If you have not yet seen a certain lady naked, but would like to, please adhere strictly to the following guidelines so as not to cockblock yourselves:
Early Omission = Good. Early Emission = Bad
1. Never, ever, f*cking ever, under any circumstances tell us about your excessive back hair, butt pimples, athlete’s foot or body odor. Leave this to our own discovery. If you actually have the good fortune to make it to the bedroom with one of us, we’re willing to undress you, and have brought along a condom, you have a 50% chance we like you enough to ignore the above deformities - at least long enough to have sex with you… just this once. If you can hold out for more than 10 minutes we may even propose to you and you’ll never have to tell another girl about that unsightly rash.
We’re Just Not That Into Her
2. Please cease talking about your ex-girlfriend. “Jessa likes tuna sandwiches,” and “Jessa used to paint her toenails black, too,” and “Jessa didn’t like giving blow jobs as much as you do.” Shut. Up. We don’t care about getting to know Jessa. We are trying to get to know you. If you continually manage to finagle her name into polite conversation we think you’re still hung up on her to the point of being a stalker, or are trying to make us jealous. Desperation and immaturity are not attractive. So, once and for all, the only time it is acceptable for you to bring up your ex-girlfriend is to say, “My ex-girlfriend just escaped from prison and has vowed to mame and murder any new girl I go out with.”
I ♥ Gay Men. But I Don’t Want To Sleep With Them. (Anymore.)
3. Stop posing shirtless on your Facebook profile. Unless you have the pecs of Brad Pitt circa 1994 in Legends of The Fall, it does not impress us. We think you are gay. Or we at least hope you are. And we begin mentally setting you up with our best gay guy-pal, and daydreaming about how helpful you will be when we reupholster our antique wing back chair or wallpaper our walk-in-closet. However, we do not invite you to bed. Epic fail for you.
Jeffrey Dahmer Is Not Sexy.
4. Omit phrases like, “I look into your eyes and see my unborn children” from your vocabulary. Permanently. That was adorable on Days of Our Lives. And in that Danielle Steel paperback novel we read when we were 14 years old. When you say it over mozzarella sticks and your fourth Blue Moon at The Wonderbar, you sound insincere at best. At worst, you sound like a total creep ass who very well might steal our panties, peer through the bushes and into our window with binoculars while we sleep, and maybe filet us up and stuff us in your van.
"Halvsies" Is Not A Word.
5. Also, quit asking us, “Wanna go halvsies?” Firstly, no. Hell no. The answer is always no. If you asked us to dinner and we agreed to gift you with the pleasure of our company, we do, in fact, want you to pay for it. Woman’s lib is rad, feminism is sexy and yes, we have a job and can feed ourselves, but that’s not the damned point already. The tab sitting on the table for 15 minutes while you wait to see if we’ll pick it up is just embarrassing. Get out your wallet and be a gentleman. Secondly, “halvsies” is not even a word. Unless you’re a 10-year-old girl.
Save The Braggadociousness For Your Buddies
6. Discontinue your incessant bragging about your expensive apartment, your truck, your jetski, your travel benefits, your 401k, ad infinitum. We instantly envision your shriveled, shrunken penis. Just so you know.
Aw…. So Cute.
7. Research synonyms for the adjective, “cute.” As much as we appreciate a sincere compliment, we think you can do better than that. Your little sister is cute. Puppies are cute. Babies are cute. Mini-Coopers are cute. Old people on the front porch drinking lemonade going senile together are cute. Show us you have exceeded a third-grade reading level and we may show you our waterproof vibrator.
Mama’s Boys Need Not Apply
8. Do not - under any circumstances - admit that your mother still cooks your meals, buys your clothes, does your laundry, pays your car insurance or files your taxes for you. Chances are, if she tends to the basic functions of your every day life, you are not ready to function on your own in ours. We want to be sure you know where to stick the fabric softener before we let you dirty our sheets.
Chivalry Is Dead Over My Dead Body
9. Ask us out in person or on the telephone. No, we will not meet you at the Chili’s. Clean the interior of your car and come pick us up. Do not honk from the driveway, but rather come to the door, preferably holding fresh flowers or a bottle top-shelf vodka. Tell us we look -insert synonym for “cute” here- and help with our coat. Bonus points if we notice you can’t help but inhale deeply when you catch the scent of our perfume. Lose a turn if you grope a breast or pinch an ass-cheek.
Broncos: 27, You: Big, Fat Zero!
10. Pay attention to us, even if it’s only to look at our decolletage (that means the area above our boobs) or watch our lips move. If you are so fascinated by sports scores scrolling on the television above our heads, or can’t stop glancing at your phone for text messages, to appreciate our company we will assume you aren’t interested, and will attribute this to your very obvious lack of taste and not to anything we are inherently lacking. Oh. And, we will probably sneak our phone number to the bartender - because he’s been staring at us all night.
Finally, gentleman, please realize all we woman want is someone who makes us laugh, makes us dinner every once in awhile, makes us weak in the knees, and makes us orgasm in 9 minutes. Your back hair, receding hairline, ex-girlfriend, mama, bank account, jacuzzi tub, yearly trip to Antigua and lack of vocabulary are all just details we can take or leave.
No need to cockblock yourselves.
xo. Sara LeeAnn
Paul to Holly: “You know what’s wrong with you, Miss whoever-you-are? You’re chicken. You’ve got no guts. You’re afraid to stick out your chin and say, ‘Okay. Life’s a fact. People do fall in love. People do belong to each other.’ Because that’s the only chance anybody’s got for real happiness. You call yourself a free spirit, a wild thing, and you’re terrified somebody’s gonna stick you in a cage. Well Baby, you’re already in that cage — you built it yourself. And it’s not bounded on the west by Tulip, Texas or on the east by Somaliland. It’s wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself.”
It’s midnight. I’m tired. I’m finally able to tune out the world, and I’m well on my way to doing just that, when my phone rings. Tentatively, I answer: “Hello?”
“He dumped me.”
And, so it begins. I listen to the story. I empathize with the heartache. I offer the typical-to-the-point-of-being-cliché advice:
“You’re too good for him, anyway.”
“You’ll meet someone who will love you for you.”
“He probably has a small penis.”
In the midst of offering what little advice I have to, um, offer, I’m remembering exactly why I hate relationships. (And, for the record, I’m probably the last person in the world to take relationship advice from. I fucked my own up years ago and still have yet to fully recover).
As I was saying, listening to my heartbroken friend pour out her emotions through a variety of sobs, screams, and swear words fully reinforced my utter distaste for “relationships.” And by relationships, I mean dating. It sucks.
It fucking sucks.
Lesbihonest, most of us have no idea what we’re doing. We don’t know what the “right” and the “wrong” things to do in a relationship are. So we scrape by, have mediocre sex for two years, try not to cheat on each other, then lather rinse repeat with the next person. In the midst of all of this, we hopewewishwepraywepraywepray that we’ll meet Mr. or Ms. Right and get the happily ever after that, despite our cynicism, we all desperately want to have.
The problem with this, and the reason why I despise that bitch Rachel McAdams, is that happily ever afters usually exist only in the movies, or so it seems. This is our fault. We get so caught up in wanting the “perfect” relationship, that we focus on creating the “image,” an image that we’ve been taught, by books and movies, will make a relationship look “perfect.” These perceptions and misconceptions are what lead to our downfall, because we live in reality.
Perception is that the first kiss between you and your counterpart comes at the perfect time. You say something funny, she smiles. You make eye-contact that seems to linger longer than usual. She bites her lip, you lean in, and your future is cemented with a kiss. Reality is you’re both drunk and the movie you’re watching is boring.
Perception says that perfect kiss will lead to that perfect relationship. Reality says that kiss will lead to a fate worse than death.
Perception is that your first fight will end with him on your doorstep, with the rain pouring down onto both of you while he tells you he was wrong he’s sorry he loves you. Reality is a text message saying, “Sorry, babe. Applebees tonight?”
Perception is, that as long as you really, really want it, you’re Kate Hudson and he’s Matthew Mchoweveryouspell it, and everything will turn out ok. Reality is she’s Zooey Deschanel and you’re Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
We all want that picture-perfect ending with that never-ending love. All we want is forever.
Some of us are so in love with the idea of being in love, that the other person just becomes a bit player in a constant tragedy in which we are the lead. The names change but the situation doesn’t. It becomes not about the person, but about the idea. This is why many relationships don’t last. Because we’re so focused on the idea, on the image, as soon as it starts to look different than The Notebook, we freak out, and bail. Rarely will we find someone that wants to stick it out with us, that wants to be our teammate, that loves us more than they love ‘Love.’
With my last relationship, I always said that as long as the pros outweighed the cons, I’d stick it out. But as soon as the cons started winning, it was time to bail. I quit. I gave up on her, on myself, and on us. What I know now is that love isn’t about pros and cons. Love takes the pros and the cons together and uses both of them to make that love stronger, if you let it. This is what I’ve learned, among other things. Was it too late? Perhaps but, as they say, it was better late than never.
That notwithstanding, there are times, like when I got off the phone with my heartbroken friend, that I want to just give up. I’ve seen too much pain, too many tears. I’ve heard, and made, too many broken promises. I’ve seen too many people hurt. I’ve hurt people, and I’ve been hurt myself. So I tell myself that it’s not worth it, that it’s not important. That love is just a fallacy that sets people up for failure. I’m done. I don’t want it anymore, I don’t need it anymore. I give up.
…but then I don’t.
Because despite it all, despite the tears and the screams and the anger and the bitterness and the sadness and the emptiness and the lies and the pain, the pain, the pain, I will not give up. I still believe in love. I still believe in happy endings. I still believe that there is someone out there who was made specifically for me to love with every fiber of my being. I still believe that when I’m finally able to love someone in the way that she deserves, I’ll be able to. I have a lot of work to do. I still have a lot of growing up to do. I probably still even have some heartbreaks coming my way. But I’ll take it. I’ll take it all because I know that, in the end, I’ll get my forever.
I love. I have loved. I will love.
My first gay boyfriend (“first,” because I’ve had several. Yeah. I have sort of knack for unwittingly dating homosexuals, then nurturing them until they’re ready to come out. Yay, me.) didn’t want to touch my boobs. Or look at them, even. He was a good, Christian boy. Perfect for dating after having been molested for 3 years by my grade-school teacher. I was sure once he married me, he’d take as much of an interest in my C+-cups as all the other boys at my school… as much of an interest as he took in interior design and his mission to locate the perfect, double-breasted suit jacket. He used to write me sugary-sweet love letters in the most perfect, swooping penmanship I’ve ever seen, excepting my grandmother’s. He liked to hold my hand at church, and when we cuddled up with the youth group to watch a movie, he would bury his face in my hair for the longest time, like he just couldn’t get enough of me. Or my Pantene hair conditioner.
Then there was the semi-pro basketball player I took up with at 21 years old – during the time I mourned the sudden death of my mother. He was far more infatuated with his own reflection in passing by shiny surfaces than he ever was with me, and made me face away from him when I gave him blow jobs, because “I’ve seen you cry too many times to be attracted to you anymore.” But. He once surprised me by moving my antique piano 500 miles to our apartment because he knew it would make me smile. He played Scrabble with my grandpa. He taught me how to surf in the Pacific Ocean and took me to Ruth Chris Steakhouse in San Diego because I’d never been to a restaurant where the entrees were sold separately from the sides, and you had to wear stockings and high heels.
That second of my ex-husbands – the one who saved my life from cancer by marrying me to provide health insurance, then knocked me up, moved me to Fucking Nowhere, started seeing a pretty blonde, professional who wore pearls and not enough eye-liner, agreed way-too-readily to a divorce, then legally kidnapped my only daughter – used to sing “Something In The Way She Moves” to me in the wrong key at bedtime when I couldn’t fall asleep. He made my vodka tonic with two limes, because that’s just the way I liked it. He danced me around the living room to Frank Sinatra. He rubbed almond oil on my pregnant belly.
I was on again-off again for two years with the long-haired boy 7 years my junior, and even after all the obscenities he screamed my way, after he cornered me, grabbed me by the throat, shoved me into a dresser, I can look back and recall with fondness the way he patiently instructed me in rock climbing, the way he raved about my cooking after every meal, the way he picked me wildflowers and left them on my pillowcase in the spring.
People are flawed. People are fallible. People are constantly evolving.
Be wary of the boy who speaks in love song, who tells you in sincerity, “I’ll never, ever hurt you,” or “you complete me.” Be wary of the girl who says, “All I want is you,” or “I can’t live without you.”
Do you really want (or want to be) a person who doesn’t understand that hurting is inevitable, that hurting another unintentionally is a natural occurrence, that this offers opportunity for growth and deeper intimacy? A person who is incomplete alone so seeks another for fulfillment? A person who has no desire or passion greater than the proximity of another? A person whose success or failure in life is dependent upon someone else?
These romantics may not know it yet, but they have a long, arduous journey ahead before they’re fit to partner in catalytic, healthy relationship built on understanding and awareness. I know from experience. I know that searching in every bar, in every Facebook message, in every interaction for your other half,’ believing there is another person out there who has the power to make you happy and whole, is futile. I hate to stick a pin in your bubble by sharing a lesson hard learned, but perhaps you’ll thank me later:
Two half-people don’t make a whole. Read that again. Seriously. Read it again, then say it out loud if you have to. I know, we were taught ½ + ½ = 1, but I promise you that doesn’t translate to people attempting to build a lasting relationship.
Know who you are, and be such. (Pindar said that, not me, but it’s relevant and profound in practice.) Quit trying to find your soul-mate and try to find your soul. If enough of us are on this quest for self, out there in the world Becoming, doing the next right thing, growing, forgiving and healing, our odds have increase ten-fold that we’ll eventually stumble upon one another, and form an imperfectly perfect-for-us union. A union of 1+1 = 2. Two in love, on an adventure together. Two. Whole. People. In. Love. Together.
I’m working toward that. And on growing long, flowing hair a’ la Zooey Deschanel.
xo. Sara LeeAnn
Actual Chat Session Between Nick & Sara LeeAnn, January 4, 2012.
…you’re such a jerkface. If I didn’t love you so much, I’d hate your damned guts.
Haha. I try. Ya know, I think our next article should be just a Facebook conversation about something. And we should start it with that last comment you made, cause it makes me look awesome.
Alright, let’s give it a go. Pick a topic.
Let me think. Side note: how fucking pompous are we to think people would actually even care to just, like, read our conversation? We’re total narcissists…did I spell that right?
Fantastic use of “pompous” and such a perfect descriptor of you! Oh no you don’t! This is your idea. Therefore, you’re the narcissist. (And yes, you spelled it right.) I just agreed to go along with it because I know stroking your fairy-wing fragile ego is the only way to get you to do what I want. Like post on our blog.
I’m like a dog, and compliments from you are my Pavlov.
Adorable. I’m mentally patting you on the head right now.
So, I went out with a girl last night. I met this girl via Facebook, which seems to be my thing.
I’m shocked by this news, really. Ugh. And…? Was she a red-head or Asian? Which item of your “Fucket List” are we currently tackling? I forget.
Well, red head. But! She actually transcended the Fucket List, cause I could actually like her.
Oh? So she was a read-head with huge tits. Got it. Go on.
Funny. And yeah, actually. But as I’m talking with her, drinking beer, and occasionally staring at her cleavage, I realized something. I’m really good at talking to girls
I know this, from experience. You are also really good at making girls think you are listening to them whilst ogling said cleavage.
Also true. But it was in the midst of speaking with her, and, you know me, I like to commentate things that I just said, I realized that maybe even I have doubted my mastery.
How so? (And what am I, your therapist? Your guru? I feel like fucking Yoda right now, by the way, so I may or may not start switching around my syntax just for funsies.) Go. Or, “Go now, you please.”
I wish I was a big enough geek to actually like Star Wars. Instead, I like vagina.
Wait a sec. I thought you were afraid of vagina…? And so sorry to interrupt you here, but I thought that would be a really entertaining post on ‘That’s What She Said He Said.” Because I don’t think you should ever tell any girl (even if it’s just me and you’re not trying to bang me) that you’re afraid of vagina. It’s bad for your reputation.
No, but, I really am. I try not to make “eye contact” with it.
See? Don’t TELL girls that. Or that you don’t like Star Wars. It’s just not manly.
But I feel like, it’s better to be honest. Cause the rule always is, if you’re going to receive, you better give. But I would just rather not receive, if it means I have to give
You’re incorrigible. And very possibly homosexual. Just saying. Also, vaginas are soft and warm and welcoming. What are you afraid of? Very few that I’ve ever heard of actually have teeth…
I’m afraid of the peehole that also inhabits them
I’m going to pretend that you didn’t just say peehole to me right now, in all seriousness.
ANYWAY! Back to my story. Because I’m extremely self-aware (not to mention boyishly yet ruggedly good looking), I realized that, even unintentionally, I was doing and saying things that were designed to make her do exactly what I wanted. Now, luckily in this case, what I wanted from her was not to bang her, because if it was, perhaps things would have turned out differently
Did you NOT want to bang her because she has a peehole?
I feel like you’re missing the point
Oh. Sorry. “Sorry, I am.”
Quit it, Yoda. Anyway, because I actually like this girl, gasp, I totally let her in on my tricks. But even when I did, they still worked!
I’m supposed to agree with you that you’re rugged and boyish and can - despite your lack of appreciation for Star Wars - use The Force on any girl you wish, with positive results, right? Ok, I’ll bite. How did your mind tricks work, exactly? I mean, did she say, “Wow, like, I totally know you’re like, mindfucking me… and that makes me want to show you my vagina?”
Basically! But here’s the story with her
Waiting, with baited breath. Not really. Hang on. I need more vodka.
I resemble that remark. Ahem. So, the story with her is… proceed.
Met this girl via Facebook…ish. We had mutual friends. Well, I guess we still do. Nobody died. And by mutual friends, I mean actual mutual friends. Not just the Facebook kind.
Thank you for that distinction. Riveting story thus far. And… didn’t you and I meet by Facebook? You damned creep. Get some new moves.
I totally am. Facebook is responsible for at least half of my hookups I think. Not that you’re a hookup. But. You know. Whatever. How come everything always has to involve you anyway??
Because it’s all about me. I’m Jesus.
And I have the ego? I say I’m good looking. You say you’re the Savior of the world.
Jealousy is a sin, you know. Don’t covet my Jesus-ness.
Can I finish my fucking story?
Cursing is also a sin.
Yes, my son. Please continue.
So, we meet. She’s a hot red head. One mutual friend forewarns her that I’m probably just trying to bang her. Which was true.
Naturally. “Thou shalt not bang.” I’m pretty sure that’s on that list I handed out of all the shit you’re not supposed to do.
I’m going to punch you in the vagina.
My goodness! The violence! You’re going to hell. Ha. I’ll save you a seat.
Ignoring you and still telling my story. Ok. By ‘meet,’ I mean Facebook chat. So. We Facebook chat for a longggg time. We get to know each other. I persistently ask her to hang out, but she never really does. Which, believe me, drove me nuts. And confused me. Cause what Nick wants, Nick gets.
And we’ve come full circle - back to your colossal, indomitable ego.
Yep. So! She makes me wait. Finally, we hang out. It’s a group thing, and I offered to buy her beer. So she agreed. It was super awkward, and truth be told, I think I was more interested in our waitress anyway. And she was more interested in the beer Since that time, we hung out a handful of times. Never so much as a hug really.
I honestly don’t know how you EVER get laid. You paid more attention to the waitress than your date? AND you’re afraid of vaginas…?
It’s a mystery. And. I’ve realized something. If I actually like a girl, it’ll take me a while to even get enough courage to hold her hand, or put an arm around her. It’s easy to bang girls. Little bit harder to hold someone’s hand. The Beatles had that shit right.
So you spent all your money on buying her beer, but didn’t even get to hug her. I thought you said you were a super-genius at this?
That was a bad date. Last night was a different story. So we’re sitting there, drinking beer, talking about relationships and shit.And here’s where I started to realize things… Even without meaning to, I realized I was subtly doing and saying things for a purpose. Example: I “opened up” to her. And made myself vulnerable by sharing some personal stuff that was actually true - which, as you know, I don’t do.
Mmmn hmm. Never ends well when you do. Oh god. Did you get wasted and belligerent, tell her that her dead mother never loved her, throw up, and then cry? Did she make you a bed on the floor, cover you with blanket, and kiss your forehead, and then swear if you weren’t so drunk she would punch you right in the mouth for being the biggest asshole that ever lived?
No No. Of course not. I save that for my Number One.
Deeply honored. Really.
I told her about my thoughts on love. How if/when I ever am “with” a girl, I want the greatest thing I ever do to be loving her. How everything else, work, house, etc. would just be extra. Shit like that. Which, I meant, but… I absolutely knew the reason I was saying it was because I wanted to impress her. Which I did.
It impressed me the few times I heard it. You know, before I got to know you. Just kidding. Ish. So, did she take her top off and let you play with her boobs right then and there, or…?
No, but, oddly, the conversation did lead to my penis size, for some reason. 8 inches.
(GROAN.) Ha! Shut your face. The conversation just accidentally took a turn, huh? “I want loving my girl to be the most important thing I do… besides loving my own giant penis.”
That’s how it happened. And then, in a total stroke of good luck, a drunk douchebag came up, hit on her in front of me, told her that he had an 11 1/2 inch penis, and pulled up a chair beside us
Haha! A literal cock-block. Really, 11.5? Wow. If I weren’t Jesus, I’d be all over that.