That's What She Said He Said

Don’t name-call. Fucker. So, I was watching some dumb sitcom with my sis that mentioned guys crymaxing during or after sex. Have you ever cryxmaxed before?

Nick Perkins

The fuck is that?

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

I just told you. When you cry during or after climax. Like a goddamned girl.

Nick Perkins

Ahaha nooooo. It’s happened to me with a girl before though.

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

I swear to Jesus if a guy did that with me I would get right up and leave. Even faster than I usually do, I mean.

Nick Perkins

You wouldn’t get engaged to him first?

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

Only if he had health insurance, you smug sonofabitch. And, why did your girl start crying? Because the sex was so disappointing?

Nick Perkins

I’m not judging. I think you’re an innovator. And the sex was awesome. But she was Mormon.

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

Oh. Well. That explains it. I’ve cried before. I cry when I’m really frustrated because it keeps me from punching someone in the junk.

Nick Perkins

I know you do. You’ve cried during sex?

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

I know you know I do. And hell no, I’ve never cried during! I’m busy taking care of business!

Nick Perkins

Ahahaha! Touching yourself cause he’s not good enough?

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

Yep, usually. All these men walking around looking, acting marginally normal… deathly afraid of touching a woman’s vagina. So I’ll do it my damned self, thank you very much. Would hate to impose upon the lucky bastard having sex with me to, I don’t know, actually TOUCH me!

Nick Perkins

Easy, Tiger.

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

Am I wrong?

Nick Perkins

Haha. No, we’re on the same wavelength.

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

Wait. Back up. You’re Mormon cried DURING sex with you? What did you do to her?

Nick Perkins

How was I supposed to know I can’t punch her in the face as soon as I orgasm?

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

Common misconception. Could happen to anyone. What is with violence in the bedroom? I am all for some good ass-smacking and hair-pulling, but - there are some freaky guys out there. Choking, slapping in the face…?

Nick Perkins

I’ve never understood it. One time, a girl kicked my ass. Bites, scratches, I think she actually donkey punched me. Don’t ask how.

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

Um. I’m going to regret this, I know, but. What, pray tell, is a donkey punch?

Nick Perkins

It’s when you’re having anal sex, and as soon as you ejaculate, you punch the person in the back of the head.

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

You just made that up right now.

Nick Perkins

I didn’t!

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

What. The Fuck. ? Ohhhh noooo. I so regret asking. I’m going to have nightmares!

Nick Perkins

One time I tried to hold a girl up during sex but I dropped her. So I just left.

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

Nooooo you did not. That’s mortifying! No guy has even tried to hold me up during sex since I was in my early twenties. That makes me frustrated and want to cry. And maybe drown myself a little.

Nick Perkins

The dudes you pick are always puny. Pick a beefy one next time.

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

I’m not even that heavy. I’m really confused. If you were having anal sex, and her anus is behind her, you’d punch HER in HER head after ejaculating. Unless. Nick. How did she punch you in the back of YOUR head?!!

Nick Perkins

Sara.

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

Ew! Was she wearing a strap-on? What was she using?! Dude!

Nick Perkins

I said don’t ask.

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

I’m really not going to sleep tonight now. I hate you for the donkey punch thing. I’m very sensitive.

Nick Perkins

Changing the subject. Member when I took you to the naked dude show, and the one non-gay naked dude hit on you?

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

Yes, I do. And that was so contrary to the norm for me, considering gay men seem really into my no boobs and boy hair and want me for their plaything. Alas. My vagina ruins everything. Every time.

Nick Perkins

You sound like a Greek tragedy.

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

Well, men hate my vagina and no one will hold me up during sex!

Nick Perkins

A really whiny Greek tragedy.

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

I know, I do, I so totally do. I’m going to bed. To have nightmares about your sex life.

Nick Perkins

Enjoy. I do.

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saraleeann — Thu, 07 Jun 2012 22:42:28 -0400

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saraleeann — Tue, 05 Jun 2012 20:20:13 -0400

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saraleeann — Mon, 04 Jun 2012 17:00:07 -0400

Our Father's Day Gift To You: Golf. And Accidental Anal with Bette Midler. And a Monkey.

saraleeann — Sun, 03 Jun 2012 23:30:24 -0400

Actual Chat Session Between Nick & Sara LeeAnn, June 2, 2012.

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

We should do a text chat blog thingy.

Nick Perkins

Mmmkay. Topic?

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

Father’s Day. What to get him. I’ll start. A well-timed blow job. And maybe a pool table or poker table, or me bent over the dining room table. Honestly, I’m really good at this. I have no idea why guys keep divorcing me…

Nick Perkins

Um… I guess it depends on who’s father we’re talking about. I like my dad a lot but I wouldn’t be comfortable giving him those gifts.

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

Haha! ‘HIM’ being your spouse, not your father. Fuuuuuuck. Gross!

Nick Perkins

And guys keep divorcing you because you don’t do anal.

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

No, I don’t do “accidental anal.” When guys don’t tell me we’re going to do anal, then just shove it in the wrong orifice - on accident - then tell me months later they are gay and only enjoy sex with that particular orifice. With another dude.

Nick Perkins

This is why you shouldn’t fuck dudes that you meet a Bette Midler concert.

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

Says the guy who loves Cher and wears a Miley Cyrus tank top.

Nick Perkins

I do love Bette Midler. A lot. Beaches is not only a fantastic film, it is an American landmark that should be preserved in the Smithsonian.

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

I know. It’s why you’re the wind beneath my wings, baby… So, what do you hope to receive for Father’s Day when one of the skanks you’ve slept with comes forward and says, “woops”?

Nick Perkins

A rich and narcissistic father who is determined to maintain his social status and will thus pay for the abortion?

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

Mmmmn. Touche’. Seriously. I’m hung up on this, but… The guys I’ve been with haven’t liked sex. I’m starting to get a complex.

Nick Perkins

Babe, if you were here quoting Beaches to me, drinking a Pepsi, wearing my WWE Championship belt, you’d never have a complex about sex again.

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

You fucking freak. That actually sounds similar to what my second ex-husband may have said to me. “If you were quoting Stephen Colbert, drinking bud light out of the can and wearing a cardigan like my mom…”

Nick Perkins

I do all of those things. Your ex-husband probably wants to fuck me.

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

Maybe. But I’m pretty sure I told him to go fuck himself.

Nick Perkins

Isn’t marriage fun, folks?

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

Anyway, who doesn’t want to fuck you? You are always having the sex.

Nick Perkins

Actually quite a few of your models that I hit on, fully relying on my relationship with you… They like me until I start talking about fellating me. Unfortunately, this is usually within the first five minutes.

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

Coincidentally, this is approximately how long it takes you to have intercourse.

Nick Perkins

Psh. How long are you factoring in for foreplay? Which includes the girl drinking a Pepsi and wearing my title belt while I look at myself in the mirror.

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

I stand corrected. You are a sex god.

Nick Perkins

If you knew how long I’ve been waiting to hear that…

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

You’re welcome. Happy Father’s Day. From the one girl you couldn’t possibly have knocked up this month. Which is maybe too bad because just think how wicked-smart and evil our hypothetical offspring would be.

Nick Perkins

Oh my god. As a Christian, I’d be supremely bummed being the 2nd party to the birth of the Antichrist.

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

I’d be supremely bummed to be the 2nd party to fucking a Christian.

Nick Perkins

So were many altar boys. It wasn’t their choice.

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

Agreed. Choice is important. Do you give your slutty sluts a choice in fellating you? Because that’s right up there for me with accidental anal in my growing list of sexual pet peeves: Guys that push my face down to their crotch. Not. Smooth.

Nick Perkins

Haha. Solid Point. Nah. Usually I’m pretty honest. “You can gimme a blowjay if you want, but just know there’s no way in hell I’m returning the favor.”

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

Yes, I’m painfully aware of your vagina phobia. It’s different when I’m already down there and THEN he pushes my head down or grabs my hair… But. I should get to choose. Because I have rights, goddamn it.

Nick Perkins

Yeah. Right. You do.

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

I do. I have the right to bite it the fuck off.

Nick Perkins

Yep. You’re a woman. I don’t care what fucking Michelle Apeface Obama (cause she actually looks like one… not cause all black people look like monkeys) says.

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

I want a monkey. And a guy who likes sex. With women.

Nick Perkins

Tiger Woods.

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

Preferably one that likes it only with me. And the monkey can’t watch.

Nick Perkins

Oh… nevermind then.

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

Yeah. Plus, I think all golfers are tools.

Nick Perkins

Bite your tongue. Phil Mickleson is a master of his craft.

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

I’m sorry. What? Pardon me, how rude - just fell asleep. From sheer boredom. Golf is for pussies. Give me a man who sword fights. Or wrestles crocodiles. Something sweaty and primal, and not requiring a pastel polo shirt.

Nick Perkins

I got in a tickle fight with an unattractive girl once. That was close to wrestling crocodiles.

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

Absolutely. Very manly and dangerous, tickling. I’m just glad you survived. So that you can be there for your future bastard child’s abortion, and narrowly miss being gifted a set of golf clubs for Father’s Day.

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saraleeann — Sun, 03 Jun 2012 14:58:33 -0400

ghosthendrikson: This kid drinks like 12 year old girl. (Taken...

saraleeann — Wed, 23 May 2012 17:25:22 -0400

ghosthendrikson:

This kid drinks like 12 year old girl. (Taken with instagram)

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saraleeann — Fri, 04 May 2012 15:19:43 -0400

Why Are Men Always Wanting To Pee On Me?

saraleeann — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 15:45:00 -0400

Actual Chat Session Between Nick & Sara LeeAnn, April 30, 2012.

Nick Perkins

I like how men comment on your Facebook status updates like they’re marking their territory.

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

Shut up.

Nick Perkins

You shut up.

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

Ugh. Remember when *JC used to have to comment on allllllllllll my posts, no matter how insignificant, insisting on calling me “my love” and “darling,” and otherwise making a spectacle of himself? Why are men always wanting to pee on me?

Nick Perkins

Yeah… Bwahaha! I remember. And, actually, I have always wanted to try that once.

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

Peeing on me? I swear to god, if you ever try to do that, I will brand your face with a waffle iron.

Nick Perkins

Not you, specifically. But I’ve heard about it and always been curious. That’s not weird right?

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

Oh. Then, carry on. Yes, it’s fucking weird. But, men are weird.

Nick Perkins

Word.

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

I want to blog about this. Or maybe I’ll just post our chat session. Unless you mind people knowing you want to pee on women.

Nick Perkins

Go for it. It could be a fun test to see if women will still sleep with me knowing that I may or may not pee on them while they are or are not asleep

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!

Nick Perkins

I’m really creepy sometimes.

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

If by, “creepy,” you actually mean, “deranged,” then yeah, okay. But, don’t fret. There are women (like myself) who enjoy “deranged.”

Nick Perkins

So…you’re saying I can pee on you?

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

Fuck right off. It’s a control thing, right? Why men want to pee on me – figuratively and literally?

Nick Perkins

Yep. Sure is.

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

My girlfriend, *Rebekah, had this creep ass boyfriend who pretended to want to have shower sex with her JUST so he could pee on her. I mean, it would be one thing if he then fucked her properly, but… Nope. Just peed and then was like, “nevermind.”

Nick Perkins

Bwaaha. Your friend *Rebekah is still alive, right?

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

Um. Yes.Why?

Nick Perkins

I’m just saying, boys that only want to pee on girls are boys who usually cut up said girls and put them in the freezer.

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

Yeah. Well, she dumped him after a few hundred times of being peed on. (Peed upon? Hmmm.) I guess she located her self-respect - and her daddy’s credit card, if I remember correctly. She peed on his toothbrush before she left, though.

Nick Perkins

The problem is, he probably peed on his own before that.

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Nick Perkins

People do weird shit, Sara. This is America

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

This is ‘Merica goddamn it! We pee on our women and then jerk off to Japanese cartoons! You have to say that with a redneck accent or it’s not funny. Also, you have to be drinking Keystone. Which, coincidentally, tastes like pee.

Nick Perkins

The only time I ever shotgunned a beer, it was keystone. I immediately hated every college frat party I had ever been to. Which was zero. But the message is the same.

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

F*ck frat boys. And not in the good way.

Nick Perkins

They probably pee on each other during beta-ki-alpha pledge week.

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

Guaranteed. So, is that about the point you noticed your initial stirrings of wanting to pee on women, then?

Nick Perkins

It may be. Henceforth, we can now trace the origins of men wanting to pee on women to college, whenst they were all shotgunning keystones and peeing on each other. We just solved one of life’s mysteries. We’re the tits.

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

Yeah we are. I’m mentally high-fiving you whilst simultaneously peeing on you. It’s very manly.

Nick Perkins

Ewwwwwwww. Girls CANNOT pee on boys. What a fucking weirdo.

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

Well, that’s hardly fair.

Nick Perkins

Disgusting

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

Mmmn hmmm. That’s exactly my point. Or would be, had I a point. There is a real double standard here.

Nick Perkins

Welcome to ‘Merica!

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

You guys mark your territory by cumming on our faces and peeing on us, and all we get to do is buy you ugly ties and “accidentally” use the wrong guard on the hair clippers. No fair. That’s it. I’m moving to Delhi, India.

Nick Perkins

Who the fuck gives their boyfriends bad haircuts? First of all, most guys don’t care about their hair. You’re the ones who have to be seen with us.

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

I know some women personally who have done that just so other women know their guy is taken. No joke.

Nick Perkins

And we’re the weird ones?

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

No, you’re the gross ones.

Nick Perkins

Touche.

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

If you see a guy with an uneven haircut and a butt ugly shirt, 9 times out of 10 he’s married - wedding ring or not.

Nick Perkins

If you see a girl with her hair sticking up, she’s taken as well

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

Right.

Nick Perkins

I have to pee.

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

You always have to pee. Because you have the prostate cancer.

Nick Perkins

Only when I drink!!!

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

I’m pretty sure you have the prostate cancer when you’re not drinking, too. Wait. Are you drinking right now? It’s 12:49 in the afternoon, dude. And I’m not judging, I’m jealous.

Nick Perkins

It’s been a long day.

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

Sorry, baby. I wish you had a laptop so we could sit and drink and work together. Then, you wouldn’t be an actual alcoholic.

Nick Perkins

The best artists are alcoholics. Hemmingway, Poe, etc…

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

Bukowski. Yeah. They’re dead. Just… you know, sayin.

Nick Perkins

Duh. They lived a hundred years ago.

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

Did any of them die of the prostate cancer? You should Google that.

Nick Perkins

Motherfucker!

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

What?????

Nick Perkins

People pee, Sara!!!

Sara LeeAnn Banevedes

This is ‘Merica.

To You, From Us, With Love- A Love Letter To Women

saraleeann — Fri, 27 Apr 2012 15:03:00 -0400

So I’m sitting there eating my dry eggs, tasteless biscuits, and floppy bacon listening to her tell me the latest updates on her ‘relationship’ with this guy, we’ll call him ‘Tattool.’ I’m focusing on my shitty food and trying to maintain eye contact (she was wearing a tight tank top and her nipples are pierced. It was hard to focus on her eyes).

Everything she’s telling me, I’ve heard before. She had this really, really great setup with Tattool, whereby they weren’t dating but were sleeping together. It was just like, really, really perfect. They’re friends with benefits. They call each other when they’re bored/lonely/horny and don’t really see each other otherwise. She comes over at night, when he’s done at the bar (and, presumably, couldn’t find anyone better. Which makes sense, cause there IS no one better than her), they have sex, and then fall asleep together. There was no drama, no expectations, no jealousy, nothing. Until there was.

You see, Friends with Benefits doesn’t work. Ever. Somebody always falls for the other one, and then gets hurt in the process. This is what happened to the girl. She started to like him. Of course, it didn’t help that they agreed to be “exclusive.” Which, I guess, means that they would only sleep with each other. Basically, this guy is a genius. He talked her into only sleeping with him, but still didn’t have to buy her dinner, take her out, actually make her feel like, ya know, an actual person with actual feelings. He actually told her, and I quote, “it wouldn’t be good to be seen in public with you.” Tattool is a lot smarter than I originally thought.

So she starts to like him. Because she’s a girl. And girls are dumb. We were sitting there talking about this, I was giving her my hollow, cliché-addled advice that she won’t take, she was pretending to listen, and I came to some very helpful conclusions for you, hypothetical female reader. So, here it is. A love letter from me, a man, to you, a woman.

Dear Princess,

You are not special. Don’t ever think that. You’re not different than the other girls that we, the men, have been seeing. You’re not going to be the one that “changes us.” You don’t “get us.” We’re not Gerard Butler(unfortunately) and you’re not Katherine Heigl. You can’t “see into us.” You, princess, are, for lack of better term, a piece of ass. You’re someone we call when we’re bored/lonely/horny. This is not a relationship, you are not our girlfriend, and you are not special.

But, we’ll tell you that you are, because we know that’s what you want to hear. And we’re good at telling you what you want to hear. And you’ll continue to fall for it because for some strange reason, you still think that you’re somebody who deserves somebody else who will make you feel like the most important person in the world- who will tell you that you’re beautiful, and actually mean it- who wants nothing more than to love you with everything inside of them. Why do you still think this? Haven’t we, collectively, worked for years trying to make you feel like the opposite?

Also, don’t kid yourself, kid. You’re not going to be the one that we end up with. Get the visions of the wedding, the honeymoon, the kids, and the happily-ever-after out of your head. They are visions of grandeur and you’re either naïve or stupid if you think we’re even close to that kind of story. You’re lucky if we take you to Applebees for half-priced boneless wings. We’ll have been drinking before.

You see, something happened to us that embittered us on the idea of an actual “relationship.” Whether it was because of our parents, our friends, or even our own previous relationships, we don’t like them, don’t trust them, don’t want them. Yes, it’s stupid. Yes, it’s a defense mechanism. Yes it’s a way to justify sleeping with you without actually having to date you. Because we “don’t trust relationships,” we’re a tortured soul, instead of just an asshole. But whatever, you’re dumb enough to buy into it because, for some reason, you like being around us. And, as previously mentioned, you think you can change us. You can’t.

If we ever do end up with someone, it’s not going to be you. You see, we already had you. The moment you have sex with us is the moment we lose at least half our interest in you. That’s the risk you take when you sleep with us. Yes, we’ll still keep you around. But don’t kid yourself. It’s not because we actually care about you or even really value you. It’s because you’re good at sex, and it’s easier to text you at 2:00 in the morning than to try to pick up someone else. It’s cheaper too.

Don’t get us wrong, we don’t want you to stop having sex with us. You may be thinking to yourself that maybe it would be a good idea to not sleep with us on the first second third date. You may even be ideally wondering what it would be like to be in a relationship that ISN’T based on sex. You may, and God we hope not, be thinking that maybe the best kind of sex you could ever have is sex with the one person who you know you love and who you know loves you. This is the kind of sex that actually means something, that isn’t ‘fucking’ but, gasp, is actually making love. This is the kind of sex that you could have on your wedding night with your onetruelove. This is the kind of sex that you hear about in love songs and see in the movies and at one point, maybe when you were younger, thought actually existed. It doesn’t.

Count how many times we said love in that last paragraph. That’s what you want, and we know that. It’s what you think you deserve, and we know that too. This is why we will continue to exploit that dream, that vision, that childhood fairytale, to get exactly what we want from you. We want sex, we want an ego-boost, we want to make sure that we’re the ones who are in control of this ‘relationship,’ or lackthereof. You see, we’re just as insecure as you are, if not more. So it helps when we have someone like you to manipulate and control, because then it means that we don’t have to face the fact that we’re lonely, and scared, and want so much to believe in love, too. You do serve many purposes baby, be proud!

In closing, we will continue to make you false promises, tell you pretty things, look you in your eyes, and caress your thigh at just the right moment. You’ll continue to wait for our call, our text, our invitation. And you’ll continue to enjoy it because instead of actually realizing the value of yourself and finding someone who’s sole purpose is to love you with every fiber of his being, you’ll get to continue to be our booty call. Instead of having that perfect first kiss, with hands sweating and hearts beating, that kiss that you could only dream about when you were a little girl because you didn’t think kisses like that actually happened, that kiss that reminds you that there is a God and He wants you to feel a love so strong and so powerful that it radiates off of you and moves through you from your head to your toes- instead of having that first kiss, you’ll get to continue to fuck us. Instead of falling asleep with him, you’ll get to wake up to us.

You’re welcome.

With Love,

The Men Who Don’t Deserve You

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saraleeann — Wed, 18 Apr 2012 22:16:58 -0400

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saraleeann — Tue, 10 Apr 2012 21:44:00 -0400

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saraleeann — Tue, 10 Apr 2012 20:37:13 -0400

Nick: I know I may one day regret not moving to Paris with...

saraleeann — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 11:28:00 -0400

Nick:

I know I may one day regret not moving to Paris with you…. if only for missing out on the the lovely croissants, the romance, the crown moulding and all those other words spelled better with a “u.”

xo. Sara LeeAnn

Nick & Sara LeeAnn Answer Your Burning Questions in "That's What She Said He Said You Said."

saraleeann — Thu, 29 Mar 2012 18:21:00 -0400

We wanted to hear from you. We wanted your experiences, your anecdotes, your questions, and your advice. Thanks for your e-mail, and for finding us on Facebook.

Here were your questions! And, let us remind you… you fucking asked for it.

Troy Murray Why do young teens insist they know love?

Sara LeeAnnBanevedes Um. Because they’re stupid idiots? Obviously, teenagers are functionally retarded, so I’m not wasting my time with that question. I think we’re all stupid-idiot-retards when it comes to love because we can justify anything in order to not be alone. We mistake being alone with loneliness. We don’t get that nothing will ever make us so lonely in our whole lives as an empty “love you” and chicken peck on the cheek before the door slams. Or feet not touching under the covers. Or the thick, stale silence born of the realization the person next to you holding the remote control is only there fighting loneliness, too.

Nick Perkins Because MTV told them they do, via shows like Teen Mom, 16 and Pregnant, Teen Mom 2, Season 2 of 16 and Pregnant, etc. The most annoying thing I ever hear is when teenagers say that even though they’re young, they know what love is. Wrong. They know what sneaking out to see their “boyfriend” is. They know going to the mall. They know sex, the act, but they don’t know sex, the meaning. And that’s why we’re all gonna die.

Sara LeeAnnBanevedes And going to burn in hell.

CaleighBurgen Why do teens have the urge to have a realationship so young?

Sara LeeAnnBanevedes Sex. A relationship means they’re grown ups and grown ups have sex. Yay, sex!

Nick Perkins Teenagers are insistent lately that they’re “more mature.” For some reason or another, like Sara said, kiddos wanna be grownups. They don’t wanna be kids anymore. They don’t wanna do kid things anymore. They don’t wanna go play in a park, or go for a walk, or play with their pro wrestling action figures. They wanna smoke, they wanna drink, and yes, they wanna have sex. And then tweet about it.

Sara LeeAnnBanevedes I want to have sex at the park. But not with pro wrestling action figures.

Brian And Jessica Brehe I would ask why people have to ask these question in the first place? If you are too stupid to figure out that if he hasn’t called you in three weeks and he slept with your fat friend, it means he’s probably not ” the one,” you shouldn’t be in the dating scene in the first place.

Sara LeeAnnBanevedes What if he slept with your skinny friend? Could he still be “the one”? Oh. Wait. Sorry. I’m supposed to be answering questions, not asking them. Asking questions is stupid.

Nick Perkins He’s just not that into you if he’s banging your fat friend. This is true. Clearly that question came from the mecca couple who have it all figured out and don’t need to know anything. J You guys should be the ones doing this! Legit, you’re probably in way more stable of a relationship than we’ve ever been in….Hey, want a job?

Beth Adams Why is it that in this century we still look down on women who sleep around a lot but men get idolized for being” manwhores”????

Sara LeeAnnBanevedes First, I love the word manwhore. Second, the only time I’ve ever been looked down on for sleeping around is when I was underneath someone, naked, so I may not be the best person to answer this. I defer to Nick.

Nick Perkins Wake up sister! That century is over. At least, it has been since you graduated high school. The days of Hester Prynne and The Scarlett Letter are over. Let your freak flag fly! Just be aware of the consequences (what others think of you should be the last consequence you think about, PS). If you’re prepared for what comes with having rando, anonymous sex with strangers (IE. diseases, babies, hurt feelings when he doesn’t text you back, etc) then have it! It’s nobody’s business but your own, doll.

Audrey Griffitts Love is such a complicated matter and nobody truely understands it. The pursuit of happiness is not only human nature but human right. Why do adults try to control something that is impulsive in all humans? We strive for happiness and to feel loved everyone of us the young and the old we all want and need it. It is human nature to search for something to make us feel whole, but the purity of love and sex is being exploited and destroyed. We as a society are exposing our youth to the ideas of it younger and younger and yet we expect them not to search for it as well. Why do we do this?

Sara LeeAnnBanevedes It is complicated. You’re so right, Audrey. I think adults try to stop the younger generation from pursuing love because we are mean and embittered and competitive. I particularly want to stop them from searching for love with their genitals, because I can’t have sex with younger men if teenagers are competing with me. Who is going to choose my 32-year old boobs over that girl’s 18-year old boobs?

Nick Perkins I would. Usually.

Sara LeeAnnBanevedes Thank god (or whomever) for that, babe.

Erin Brock Why do ppl stay in unhappy relationships?

Sara LeeAnnBanevedes In my experience, Erin, it’s because apartment living sucks. Your upstairs neighbor always sounds like an elephant, and the ones next door are constantly arguing and having the cops called. (In fact, most times it’s you who call the cops.) You would move out, but you’re only other option is to rent a house in a nicer part of town with a roommate. A roommate who will bring her stupid pot-head boyfriend over to have noisy sex and eat all your Doritos. Not cool. So, you figure, if you need someone to help you pay the rent, it may as well be a guy you can have noisy sex with. Seems like a good idea at the time. Soon, though, he is eating all your Doritos and you’d rather have sex with someone else; but, you’re trapped in a damned 1-year lease, so you’re trapped in an unhappy relationship. Again.

Right?Anybody else? No. It’s just me. I knew it.

Nick Perkins People are convinced that if they just wait it out, maybe (s)he’ll change. Maybe just maybe, if I love him enough, or am pretty enough, or rich enough, or a good enough cook, or give really, really good blowjobs, he’ll suddenly change his mind and treat me the way I deserve to be treated. Chances are, honey, he won’t. Neither will she. I was 22 years old when my girlfriend of four years and I decided to break up. And the biggest thought that we both had was, “we’re both too young to be so unhappy.” So we ended it. We went down different paths and became the people we were supposed to become, and we did it by ourselves. It’s a scary thought to be alone, especially as you get older. I’m 24 now and haven’t really dated anyone since the girlfriend of two years prior. Of course I would want to be with someone, but I’m more concerned about making myself the man that the girl I want to be with actually deserves. You can’t trick someone into continuing to love you. They either do, or they don’t, and if they don’t GET THE EFF out because there is someone out there who will love you for you, not for who they want you to be.

Brittany BezzantMatekovic Why do people keep going back to someone who os such a crappy person, for them as well as society. Yet expect different out comes

Sara LeeAnnBanevedes Hope. We hope others can change, because it means we ourselves are capable of change. That sounds so philosophical. I’m super-smart. I might embroider that onto a hand-towel. Ok, not really. The answer is stupid hope. We stupidly hope that we can change others with our stupid hope.

Nick Perkins The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. So basically, we’re all insane. Because we all do this. Like the above post said, we’re all convinced we’re able to change someone. Wrong. Who we can change, is ourselves. All it takes is a look in the mirror, a chin to proudly hold up, and an attitude that says “I’m the best, you’re not better’n me, and f*ck em if they think they are.” And vodka. Lots of vodka.

Christopher Bragg Why does love hurt so must I came to chicago for a week and I seen my ex and I still love her with all I got all I want to do when I c her is to hold her in my arm and never let her go in till I die bc I still love her man I dont know wat to do can someone help me piz add me on fbpiz help me

Sara LeeAnnBanevedes Holy run-on sentence! Christopher, if you need to talk, personal message Nick or I anytime. We might not be able to give you any good advice, but we’re awesome at giving bad advice and making people laugh.

Nick Perkins Holy shit. Um. First step, take a deep breath. Second step, take a Valium. Third step, like a better baseball team. Fourth step, realize that you are a good guy, with a bright future, and a lot to offer a woman (grammar skills aside). Maybe it’s her, and maybe it isn’t. But pining after her is not the answer. Know who you are, become who you want to be. Figure out what you want, and act accordingly. Is it her? Or is it just ‘someone?’ Is it maybe better to take some time and figure out who YOU are? These are questions worth asking. Also, I’m not sure if telling her that you’re ‘not going to let her go until you die” is a wise phrase to use, friend.

Sara LeeAnnBanevedes I was going to say Zanax, but I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. You’re a dick, Nick. A dick that gives really good advice, though. High-five. Chris. Can I call you Chris? (Please don’t stalk me.) You’re a nicer guy than Nick. Be encouraged.

Justine Howe What happened to old fashioned chiverly? Why are men and women so quick to jump in the bed? Where has courting gone to? Love is a verb, an active choice to love someone and be willing to work at keeping that love alive!

Sara LeeAnnBanevedes It’s dead. Dead, dead, dead. And I’m in mourning. One of the stages of grief is drinking vodka, right???

Nick Perkins First of all, chivalry. Men and women are quick to jump in the bed because we live in a very “go-go-go” kind of world. Whether it’s from job to job, or relationship to relationship, we all seemingly have the attention span of a 5-year-old with ADD. Plus, alcohol makes everyone more attractive, thus, more likely to bang. I didn’t say it was right, that’s just the way it is. I miss the days of courting too. Of a kiss being the destination, not a five minute sex session in which she faked an orgasm to get you to stop poking around whilst saying “yea ,baby. You like that?” I’ve said it before, I miss the power of a kiss. I miss holding hands and walking through a park. We, as a culture, especially the younger generation, never “forgot” what love is. We never knew to begin with. Our parents f*cked it up for us, and so all we really have to go by is movies and books, which will let us down, and television, which will teach us all the wrong things to do. This is why relationships fail. We look to these things to provide guidance, but they are written with the intent of showcasing drama. That’s the intention. So if we’re using these mediums as templates for how to have a relationship, we’re going to have drama. The problem is, we don’t have a writer who is paid a million dollars per episode to script our happy ending.

To contribute to these riveting, long-winded dialogues, or to ask Nick and Sara a question, e-mail westernrebellion@live.com and/or thebunnycage@yahoo.com. Spank you very much!

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saraleeann — Thu, 29 Mar 2012 17:14:12 -0400

This Is What Happened

saraleeann — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 14:46:19 -0400

Anton Chigurh- “If the rule you followed led you to this, of what use was the rule?”

Carson Wells- “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Anton Chigurh- “I’m talking about your life. In which now everything can be seen at once.”

- No Country For Old Men

It’s been nearly two years since I became the person I am. In those two years, I’ve experienced things I never thought I would, because I never thought I would have to. To go, very quickly, from a man who was supposed to marry his high school sweetheart to a man who was single and quite eager to reel in those supposed “other fish in the sea,” was quite the change in lifestyles. From spending Friday nights watching movies on my girlfriend’s father’s couch, because her curfew was at midnight, to sitting on bar stools pretending to be interested in what this girl was saying until the pub closed at 2; it was a sharp contrast in realities. And I can trace it back to one single moment…

The lights were dim. It was late. You were with her, this girl who, for this moment, was the most important person in your world. You were convinced you loved her. It has to be love, doesn’t it? You wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t. Never mind the fact that she was engaged to someone else. She’ll leave him for you, won’t she? She said she would. The first night you spent together, you hardly touched. But you talked. And you laughed. And you opened up to her, because you thought you could. You let yourself believe that you loved her, because she let you believe that she loved you. You were like the girl on prom night, and, unfortunately, the results were very much the same.

Fast forward a week later. You’ve spent the better part of the week with this girl who, for your money, was the prettiest girl in the world. The makeup of lust can fool even the savviest of eyes. Now here you are, with this girl, and you know what’s going to happen. You’ve dreamed of this moment your entire life. Granted, until a month ago you were convinced it would be with someone else, but the name doesn’t really matter, does it?

You’re here now, with her. You take her face into your hands and you kiss her, and it’s the sweetest kiss you’ve ever had. You run your fingers through her hair, you stick your tongue down her throat, you unbutton her pants. She bites your lip and unbuttons yours. You take a deep breath and remember all the rules, all the threats, all the lectures you’ve heard. You don’t care. Going by what you were taught, this moment will seal your fate forever. This moment will determine your eternity, your place at the table. You’re prepared to sacrifice your veil as the bride of Christ because, for this one moment, someone wants you just as much as you want them. And, quite frankly, you’re really really horny.

You go slow, because you’re unsure. You expect her to cry out, but she never does. You notice she doesn’t look at you, but that’s ok. You wish that the only sounds of the night were her moans and the rustling of the sheets, but this is real life, and in real life you didn’t have protection so you asked, “are you sure we can do Plan B tomorrow,” numerous times.

Despite this, the moment is fairly perfect. You’re having sex with a girl you care about. Plus, a few years earlier, she was Miss Teen Wyoming, so she’s stupid hot. You could think of much worse ways to lose your virginity. For what seems like an eternity later, but in reality was probably only ten minutes(if that), you both collapse onto your bed, sweaty and exhausted. It happened. You’re no longer a virgin. Your first thought: ‘Was that it? That’s what all the fuss is about?’ Your second thought: ‘I wonder if I was any good.’ Your third thought: ‘Eh, who cares?’ For the first of what will become numerous times in your life, you struggle with what to say. You want to reassure her. You want her to reassure you. You want to make sure that this moment was just as important to her as it was to you (it wasn’t). You also want to make sure that she too will never forget it (she probably will). You can’t think of anything to say, so you just lay there, with her lying on your chest, and listen to each other breathe. That was the right decision.

It’s been close to two years since that night. You still think about it.

You still regret it.

It shouldn’t have been with her. It shouldn’t have been then. When I think about that night I try to remember exactly what was going through my mind. Did I think about ‘her’ at all while I was with this other girl? Did I wish I was with ‘her,’ just for a second? Did I stop to think of what exactly the repercussions would be from this night? I honestly don’t know. Two years, and several girls later, I still don’t know. The situations I’ve been in, with the people I’ve been in them with, have been funny, sad, passionate, hot, spontaneous, and definitely worth writing about. But none of them will ever have the impact of this first time. Not because the sex was all that great, especially for the girl, poor thing, but because every single other time I’ve had sex, I’ve thought back to that first night.

No, I don’t think I’m going to hell. I don’t even believe in a literal hell. But I understand now why it was suggested I wait til marriage. Not because sex before marriage is a sin, but because sex before marriage, I believe, creates a void that is difficult if not impossible to fill. I can only speak for myself on this matter, but I would trade all but one of my ‘sexcapades’(which is an entirely different story involving the only time I had sex with a girl I actually loved) for the chance to start over. I have nobody to blame but myself, and there is some closure in that, but I wish I was better. I deserve better than what I’ve become, than what I’ve made myself out to be. I’ll never become a “born-again virgin.” That’s the most ricockulous thing I’ve ever heard in my life. But I do wish the details of that night could have been different- namely, the characters, time, and location. I wish it could have been with ‘her.’ And now, when I lift ‘her’ veil, I’ll have to look at ‘her,’ the most beautiful girl in the world, and I will think about all of the girls that came before ‘her.’ Some of them were friends. Some of them I barely remember. I loved one of them. But none of them will ever be ‘her.’

None of them will ever be her.

- Nick.