Actual Chat Session Between Nick & Sara LeeAnn, June 15, 2012.
Nick! I’m watching Burlesque and listening to Cher sing like a man. I miss you.
Dude. Tell me you don’t get chills when you listen to “You Haven’t Seen The Last of Me.”
No, dude. I do not get chills. I get up and go pee. And make a drink. Sorry.
Duuuuuuuuuuude. That’s the best fucking song!
Baby, you’re crazy. But I love you. You’re the Sonny to my Cher.
Ahahaha! Fuck that. Sonny was a bitch.
Thanks for understanding the sentiment, asshole.
Haha. I do but I hate Sonny. He was always trying to steal her spotlight.
Whatever. I was trying to be sweet.
Actually that could really sum us up. And I know you were. I love you, though.
I’m ignoring you. You have shit taste in music and you’re mean. Goodnight.
No. I’m just fucking with you for the Sonny/Cher thing.
Isn’t emotional manipulation fun?
It really is!
We are sociopaths. You, me and Patrick Bateman.
Sara LeeAnn Banevedes
Nope. Patrick Bateman. American Psycho. Read a little, ya know?
Christian Bale was in American Psycho.
Omg. He played Patrick Bateman, dummy.
Don’t name-call. Fucker. So, I was watching some dumb sitcom with my sis that mentioned guys crymaxing during or after sex. Have you ever cryxmaxed before?
The fuck is that?
I just told you. When you cry during or after climax. Like a goddamned girl.
Ahaha nooooo. It’s happened to me with a girl before though.
I swear to Jesus if a guy did that with me I would get right up and leave. Even faster than I usually do, I mean.
You wouldn’t get engaged to him first?
Only if he had health insurance, you smug sonofabitch. And, why did your girl start crying? Because the sex was so disappointing?
I’m not judging. I think you’re an innovator. And the sex was awesome. But she was Mormon.
Oh. Well. That explains it. I’ve cried before. I cry when I’m really frustrated because it keeps me from punching someone in the junk.
I know you do. You’ve cried during sex?
I know you know I do. And hell no, I’ve never cried during! I’m busy taking care of business!
Ahahaha! Touching yourself cause he’s not good enough?
Yep, usually. All these men walking around looking, acting marginally normal… deathly afraid of touching a woman’s vagina. So I’ll do it my damned self, thank you very much. Would hate to impose upon the lucky bastard having sex with me to, I don’t know, actually TOUCH me!
Am I wrong?
Haha. No, we’re on the same wavelength.
Wait. Back up. You’re Mormon cried DURING sex with you? What did you do to her?
How was I supposed to know I can’t punch her in the face as soon as I orgasm?
Common misconception. Could happen to anyone. What is with violence in the bedroom? I am all for some good ass-smacking and hair-pulling, but - there are some freaky guys out there. Choking, slapping in the face…?
I’ve never understood it. One time, a girl kicked my ass. Bites, scratches, I think she actually donkey punched me. Don’t ask how.
Um. I’m going to regret this, I know, but. What, pray tell, is a donkey punch?
It’s when you’re having anal sex, and as soon as you ejaculate, you punch the person in the back of the head.
You just made that up right now.
What. The Fuck. ? Ohhhh noooo. I so regret asking. I’m going to have nightmares!
One time I tried to hold a girl up during sex but I dropped her. So I just left.
Nooooo you did not. That’s mortifying! No guy has even tried to hold me up during sex since I was in my early twenties. That makes me frustrated and want to cry. And maybe drown myself a little.
The dudes you pick are always puny. Pick a beefy one next time.
I’m not even that heavy. I’m really confused. If you were having anal sex, and her anus is behind her, you’d punch HER in HER head after ejaculating. Unless. Nick. How did she punch you in the back of YOUR head?!!
Ew! Was she wearing a strap-on? What was she using?! Dude!
I said don’t ask.
I’m really not going to sleep tonight now. I hate you for the donkey punch thing. I’m very sensitive.
Changing the subject. Member when I took you to the naked dude show, and the one non-gay naked dude hit on you?
Yes, I do. And that was so contrary to the norm for me, considering gay men seem really into my no boobs and boy hair and want me for their plaything. Alas. My vagina ruins everything. Every time.
You sound like a Greek tragedy.
Well, men hate my vagina and no one will hold me up during sex!
A really whiny Greek tragedy.
I know, I do, I so totally do. I’m going to bed. To have nightmares about your sex life.
Enjoy. I do.
Actual Chat Session Between Nick & Sara LeeAnn, June 2, 2012.
We should do a text chat blog thingy.
Father’s Day. What to get him. I’ll start. A well-timed blow job. And maybe a pool table or poker table, or me bent over the dining room table. Honestly, I’m really good at this. I have no idea why guys keep divorcing me…
Um… I guess it depends on who’s father we’re talking about. I like my dad a lot but I wouldn’t be comfortable giving him those gifts.
Haha! ‘HIM’ being your spouse, not your father. Fuuuuuuck. Gross!
And guys keep divorcing you because you don’t do anal.
No, I don’t do “accidental anal.” When guys don’t tell me we’re going to do anal, then just shove it in the wrong orifice - on accident - then tell me months later they are gay and only enjoy sex with that particular orifice. With another dude.
This is why you shouldn’t fuck dudes that you meet a Bette Midler concert.
Says the guy who loves Cher and wears a Miley Cyrus tank top.
I do love Bette Midler. A lot. Beaches is not only a fantastic film, it is an American landmark that should be preserved in the Smithsonian.
I know. It’s why you’re the wind beneath my wings, baby… So, what do you hope to receive for Father’s Day when one of the skanks you’ve slept with comes forward and says, “woops”?
A rich and narcissistic father who is determined to maintain his social status and will thus pay for the abortion?
Mmmmn. Touche’. Seriously. I’m hung up on this, but… The guys I’ve been with haven’t liked sex. I’m starting to get a complex.
Babe, if you were here quoting Beaches to me, drinking a Pepsi, wearing my WWE Championship belt, you’d never have a complex about sex again.
You fucking freak. That actually sounds similar to what my second ex-husband may have said to me. “If you were quoting Stephen Colbert, drinking bud light out of the can and wearing a cardigan like my mom…”
I do all of those things. Your ex-husband probably wants to fuck me.
Maybe. But I’m pretty sure I told him to go fuck himself.
Isn’t marriage fun, folks?
Anyway, who doesn’t want to fuck you? You are always having the sex.
Actually quite a few of your models that I hit on, fully relying on my relationship with you… They like me until I start talking about fellating me. Unfortunately, this is usually within the first five minutes.
Coincidentally, this is approximately how long it takes you to have intercourse.
Psh. How long are you factoring in for foreplay? Which includes the girl drinking a Pepsi and wearing my title belt while I look at myself in the mirror.
I stand corrected. You are a sex god.
If you knew how long I’ve been waiting to hear that…
You’re welcome. Happy Father’s Day. From the one girl you couldn’t possibly have knocked up this month. Which is maybe too bad because just think how wicked-smart and evil our hypothetical offspring would be.
Oh my god. As a Christian, I’d be supremely bummed being the 2nd party to the birth of the Antichrist.
I’d be supremely bummed to be the 2nd party to fucking a Christian.
So were many altar boys. It wasn’t their choice.
Agreed. Choice is important. Do you give your slutty sluts a choice in fellating you? Because that’s right up there for me with accidental anal in my growing list of sexual pet peeves: Guys that push my face down to their crotch. Not. Smooth.
Haha. Solid Point. Nah. Usually I’m pretty honest. “You can gimme a blowjay if you want, but just know there’s no way in hell I’m returning the favor.”
Yes, I’m painfully aware of your vagina phobia. It’s different when I’m already down there and THEN he pushes my head down or grabs my hair… But. I should get to choose. Because I have rights, goddamn it.
Yeah. Right. You do.
I do. I have the right to bite it the fuck off.
Yep. You’re a woman. I don’t care what fucking Michelle Apeface Obama (cause she actually looks like one… not cause all black people look like monkeys) says.
I want a monkey. And a guy who likes sex. With women.
Preferably one that likes it only with me. And the monkey can’t watch.
Oh… nevermind then.
Yeah. Plus, I think all golfers are tools.
Bite your tongue. Phil Mickleson is a master of his craft.
I’m sorry. What? Pardon me, how rude - just fell asleep. From sheer boredom. Golf is for pussies. Give me a man who sword fights. Or wrestles crocodiles. Something sweaty and primal, and not requiring a pastel polo shirt.
I got in a tickle fight with an unattractive girl once. That was close to wrestling crocodiles.
Absolutely. Very manly and dangerous, tickling. I’m just glad you survived. So that you can be there for your future bastard child’s abortion, and narrowly miss being gifted a set of golf clubs for Father’s Day.
This kid drinks like 12 year old girl. (Taken with instagram)