So I’m sitting there eating my dry eggs, tasteless biscuits, and floppy bacon listening to her tell me the latest updates on her ‘relationship’ with this guy, we’ll call him ‘Tattool.’ I’m focusing on my shitty food and trying to maintain eye contact (she was wearing a tight tank top and her nipples are pierced. It was hard to focus on her eyes).
Everything she’s telling me, I’ve heard before. She had this really, really great setup with Tattool, whereby they weren’t dating but were sleeping together. It was just like, really, really perfect. They’re friends with benefits. They call each other when they’re bored/lonely/horny and don’t really see each other otherwise. She comes over at night, when he’s done at the bar (and, presumably, couldn’t find anyone better. Which makes sense, cause there IS no one better than her), they have sex, and then fall asleep together. There was no drama, no expectations, no jealousy, nothing. Until there was.
You see, Friends with Benefits doesn’t work. Ever. Somebody always falls for the other one, and then gets hurt in the process. This is what happened to the girl. She started to like him. Of course, it didn’t help that they agreed to be “exclusive.” Which, I guess, means that they would only sleep with each other. Basically, this guy is a genius. He talked her into only sleeping with him, but still didn’t have to buy her dinner, take her out, actually make her feel like, ya know, an actual person with actual feelings. He actually told her, and I quote, “it wouldn’t be good to be seen in public with you.” Tattool is a lot smarter than I originally thought.
So she starts to like him. Because she’s a girl. And girls are dumb. We were sitting there talking about this, I was giving her my hollow, cliché-addled advice that she won’t take, she was pretending to listen, and I came to some very helpful conclusions for you, hypothetical female reader. So, here it is. A love letter from me, a man, to you, a woman.
You are not special. Don’t ever think that. You’re not different than the other girls that we, the men, have been seeing. You’re not going to be the one that “changes us.” You don’t “get us.” We’re not Gerard Butler(unfortunately) and you’re not Katherine Heigl. You can’t “see into us.” You, princess, are, for lack of better term, a piece of ass. You’re someone we call when we’re bored/lonely/horny. This is not a relationship, you are not our girlfriend, and you are not special.
But, we’ll tell you that you are, because we know that’s what you want to hear. And we’re good at telling you what you want to hear. And you’ll continue to fall for it because for some strange reason, you still think that you’re somebody who deserves somebody else who will make you feel like the most important person in the world- who will tell you that you’re beautiful, and actually mean it- who wants nothing more than to love you with everything inside of them. Why do you still think this? Haven’t we, collectively, worked for years trying to make you feel like the opposite?
Also, don’t kid yourself, kid. You’re not going to be the one that we end up with. Get the visions of the wedding, the honeymoon, the kids, and the happily-ever-after out of your head. They are visions of grandeur and you’re either naïve or stupid if you think we’re even close to that kind of story. You’re lucky if we take you to Applebees for half-priced boneless wings. We’ll have been drinking before.
You see, something happened to us that embittered us on the idea of an actual “relationship.” Whether it was because of our parents, our friends, or even our own previous relationships, we don’t like them, don’t trust them, don’t want them. Yes, it’s stupid. Yes, it’s a defense mechanism. Yes it’s a way to justify sleeping with you without actually having to date you. Because we “don’t trust relationships,” we’re a tortured soul, instead of just an asshole. But whatever, you’re dumb enough to buy into it because, for some reason, you like being around us. And, as previously mentioned, you think you can change us. You can’t.
If we ever do end up with someone, it’s not going to be you. You see, we already had you. The moment you have sex with us is the moment we lose at least half our interest in you. That’s the risk you take when you sleep with us. Yes, we’ll still keep you around. But don’t kid yourself. It’s not because we actually care about you or even really value you. It’s because you’re good at sex, and it’s easier to text you at 2:00 in the morning than to try to pick up someone else. It’s cheaper too.
Don’t get us wrong, we don’t want you to stop having sex with us. You may be thinking to yourself that maybe it would be a good idea to not sleep with us on the first second third date. You may even be ideally wondering what it would be like to be in a relationship that ISN’T based on sex. You may, and God we hope not, be thinking that maybe the best kind of sex you could ever have is sex with the one person who you know you love and who you know loves you. This is the kind of sex that actually means something, that isn’t ‘fucking’ but, gasp, is actually making love. This is the kind of sex that you could have on your wedding night with your onetruelove. This is the kind of sex that you hear about in love songs and see in the movies and at one point, maybe when you were younger, thought actually existed. It doesn’t.
Count how many times we said love in that last paragraph. That’s what you want, and we know that. It’s what you think you deserve, and we know that too. This is why we will continue to exploit that dream, that vision, that childhood fairytale, to get exactly what we want from you. We want sex, we want an ego-boost, we want to make sure that we’re the ones who are in control of this ‘relationship,’ or lackthereof. You see, we’re just as insecure as you are, if not more. So it helps when we have someone like you to manipulate and control, because then it means that we don’t have to face the fact that we’re lonely, and scared, and want so much to believe in love, too. You do serve many purposes baby, be proud!
In closing, we will continue to make you false promises, tell you pretty things, look you in your eyes, and caress your thigh at just the right moment. You’ll continue to wait for our call, our text, our invitation. And you’ll continue to enjoy it because instead of actually realizing the value of yourself and finding someone who’s sole purpose is to love you with every fiber of his being, you’ll get to continue to be our booty call. Instead of having that perfect first kiss, with hands sweating and hearts beating, that kiss that you could only dream about when you were a little girl because you didn’t think kisses like that actually happened, that kiss that reminds you that there is a God and He wants you to feel a love so strong and so powerful that it radiates off of you and moves through you from your head to your toes- instead of having that first kiss, you’ll get to continue to fuck us. Instead of falling asleep with him, you’ll get to wake up to us.
The Men Who Don’t Deserve You