Actual Text Messages Between Nick & Sara LeeAnn, March 20, 2012.
Dude. Fuck my life right now.
Right?? Neil Patrick Harris is gay!! I’m bummed too.
Aw, Doogie Howser was your first crush too, wasn’t he?
Yes! But I like him even more as Barney from How I Met Your Mother. Mostly because everyone I know says he reminds them of me. And I’m a narcissist… Whatsa matter?
My gallbladder is making a valiant effort to murder me. Keep me and Michael Jackson text-company. The bathroom floor gets so lonely.
Too bad it isn’t college. That way, there’d be a plethora of frat boys waiting til you pass out so they can bang you… Michael Jackson?
I’m listening to MJ on my Ipod. That was hilarious, by the way. I knew you would make me laugh. And I knew I should of gone to college. I miss out on everything.
Ats wut I’m hea fo luv… if it doesn’t work out with you and this guy and you need someone to date rape you, I’ll do it. Because I love you. Seriously. Need me to come rub your feet and stare at you creepily while you throw up? Cuz I will.
So sweet. You’re a real catch.
Right??? I’m really good at this.
Nick, I love you. In case my organs explode or implode or whatever, you should know that.
I love you, too, baby. Til the day I die. Or you die. Cause that’ll happen first probably.
Yeah, I know. My old, decrepit ass will surely kick off before you do.
No. You’re gonna have a longish, happyish life.
That’s really nice-ish of you. Thanks, babe.
You bet, doll.
Hey, can I turn this text string into a blog post?
Sure! As long as you don’t edit it to make yourself funnier than me.
Fine. You can be the star of this post. Deal?
Dealio. My favorite part is that this is a fairly normal conversation for us. Are we bad people?
Yes. We are cretins. Scum of the goddamned earth, even. Or, we say what other people think. Or would think, if they were as smart and funny as we are. Honestly, if it weren’t for our humility we would both likely be perfect.
We’re probably the most humble people I know.
You’re like Jesus. But bald. And I’m like the virgin Mary. But… slightly less virginal.
Sorry to detour from our obviously funny and self-fellating post content, baby, but is it bad to take four Nyquil at a time?
Did you really take that many???!!!
Babe! Why the fuck did you fucking do that?! I would fucking kill you right now if your death by overdose wasn’t already imminent. Seriously. Let me Google to find out if you’re going to die.
I don’t think it’s a huge deal. It’s Nyquil. Not Valium.
I know, but the thing I’m concerned about is the amount of acetaminophen in Nyquil. Because liver failure isn’t a fun time. You could ask my mom but she died from acetaminophen poisoning from taking too many pills. You ass.
I am NOT going out Amy Winehouse style. I refuse. Fuck death.
Will you text me when you’re going to sleep and again when you wake up tomorrow, please?
I’m not gonna die! You’re stressing me out!
Sorry! But you’re stressing me out!!!!
It’s okay. I have to go throw up now. Loveyabye.