(Actual Text Conversation)
Him: “Want to know a secret?”
Him: “You sure?”
Me: (thinking it’s a picture of his 11-inch penis) “I’m sure. Particularly if it involves a unicorn or vodka or cake or me winning an obscene sum of money from a dead relative I don’t like.”
Him: “Haha. Well. I have a hairy back. It’s out of control!”
Me: “I… can’t tell if you’re kidding or not.”
Him: “Does it matter?”
Me: “Are you f*cking kidding me?”
“Why does it matter?”
If you have not yet seen a certain lady naked, but would like to, please adhere strictly to the following guidelines so as not to cockblock yourselves:
Early Omission = Good. Early Emission = Bad
1. Never, ever, f*cking ever, under any circumstances tell us about your excessive back hair, butt pimples, athlete’s foot or body odor. Leave this to our own discovery. If you actually have the good fortune to make it to the bedroom with one of us, we’re willing to undress you, and have brought along a condom, you have a 50% chance we like you enough to ignore the above deformities - at least long enough to have sex with you… just this once. If you can hold out for more than 10 minutes we may even propose to you and you’ll never have to tell another girl about that unsightly rash.
We’re Just Not That Into Her
2. Please cease talking about your ex-girlfriend. “Jessa likes tuna sandwiches,” and “Jessa used to paint her toenails black, too,” and “Jessa didn’t like giving blow jobs as much as you do.” Shut. Up. We don’t care about getting to know Jessa. We are trying to get to know you. If you continually manage to finagle her name into polite conversation we think you’re still hung up on her to the point of being a stalker, or are trying to make us jealous. Desperation and immaturity are not attractive. So, once and for all, the only time it is acceptable for you to bring up your ex-girlfriend is to say, “My ex-girlfriend just escaped from prison and has vowed to mame and murder any new girl I go out with.”
I ♥ Gay Men. But I Don’t Want To Sleep With Them. (Anymore.)
3. Stop posing shirtless on your Facebook profile. Unless you have the pecs of Brad Pitt circa 1994 in Legends of The Fall, it does not impress us. We think you are gay. Or we at least hope you are. And we begin mentally setting you up with our best gay guy-pal, and daydreaming about how helpful you will be when we reupholster our antique wing back chair or wallpaper our walk-in-closet. However, we do not invite you to bed. Epic fail for you.
Jeffrey Dahmer Is Not Sexy.
4. Omit phrases like, “I look into your eyes and see my unborn children” from your vocabulary. Permanently. That was adorable on Days of Our Lives. And in that Danielle Steel paperback novel we read when we were 14 years old. When you say it over mozzarella sticks and your fourth Blue Moon at The Wonderbar, you sound insincere at best. At worst, you sound like a total creep ass who very well might steal our panties, peer through the bushes and into our window with binoculars while we sleep, and maybe filet us up and stuff us in your van.
“Halvsies” Is Not A Word.
5. Also, quit asking us, “Wanna go halvsies?” Firstly, no. Hell no. The answer is always no. If you asked us to dinner and we agreed to gift you with the pleasure of our company, we do, in fact, want you to pay for it. Woman’s lib is rad, feminism is sexy and yes, we have a job and can feed ourselves, but that’s not the damned point already. The tab sitting on the table for 15 minutes while you wait to see if we’ll pick it up is just embarrassing. Get out your wallet and be a gentleman. Secondly, “halvsies” is not even a word. Unless you’re a 10-year-old girl.
Save The Braggadociousness For Your Buddies
6. Discontinue your incessant bragging about your expensive apartment, your truck, your jetski, your travel benefits, your 401k, ad infinitum. We instantly envision your shriveled, shrunken penis. Just so you know.
Aw…. So Cute.
7. Research synonyms for the adjective, “cute.” As much as we appreciate a sincere compliment, we think you can do better than that. Your little sister is cute. Puppies are cute. Babies are cute. Mini-Coopers are cute. Old people on the front porch drinking lemonade going senile together are cute. Show us you have exceeded a third-grade reading level and we may show you our waterproof vibrator.
Mama’s Boys Need Not Apply
8. Do not - under any circumstances - admit that your mother still cooks your meals, buys your clothes, does your laundry, pays your car insurance or files your taxes for you. Chances are, if she tends to the basic functions of your every day life, you are not ready to function on your own in ours. We want to be sure you know where to stick the fabric softener before we let you dirty our sheets.
Chivalry Is Dead Over My Dead Body
9. Ask us out in person or on the telephone. No, we will not meet you at the Chili’s. Clean the interior of your car and come pick us up. Do not honk from the driveway, but rather come to the door, preferably holding fresh flowers or a bottle top-shelf vodka. Tell us we look -insert synonym for “cute” here- and help with our coat. Bonus points if we notice you can’t help but inhale deeply when you catch the scent of our perfume. Lose a turn if you grope a breast or pinch an ass-cheek.
Broncos: 27, You: Big, Fat Zero!
10. Pay attention to us, even if it’s only to look at our decolletage (that means the area above our boobs) or watch our lips move. If you are so fascinated by sports scores scrolling on the television above our heads, or can’t stop glancing at your phone for text messages, to appreciate our company we will assume you aren’t interested, and will attribute this to your very obvious lack of taste and not to anything we are inherently lacking. Oh. And, we will probably sneak our phone number to the bartender - because he’s been staring at us all night.
Finally, gentleman, please realize all we woman want is someone who makes us laugh, makes us dinner every once in awhile, makes us weak in the knees, and makes us orgasm in 9 minutes. Your back hair, receding hairline, ex-girlfriend, mama, bank account, jacuzzi tub, yearly trip to Antigua and lack of vocabulary are all just details we can take or leave.
No need to cockblock yourselves.
xo. Sara LeeAnn